You don't have to worry about the world ending in 2012. Phil of the Future came back from 2121.
Sincerely, all under control.
I was just taking a power nap.
Sincerely, what did you think I was doing?
Dear serial killer,
Sincerely, killed while I was checking behind the shower curtain.
Dear Bruno Mars,
Wouldn't YOUR eyes have to be open to know that hers were?
For the love of all that's holy - stop putting sirens in your music!
Sincerely, just slammed on my brakes looking for the cop.
Dear people at the table next to mine,
Please only talk about interesting topics.
Sincerely, bored eavesdropper.
The silent treatment isn't really a punishment.
I didn't slap you. I gave you a flatbread knuckle sandwich.
Sincerely, shut up.
Dear teacher who says "don't get arrested" every Friday when the bell rings,
Sincerely, my bad.
How come you're always on top?
Don't worry about magazines telling you you're fat; porn sites tell us we need penis enlargements all the time.
Want to hear a joke about a vegetable?
Sincerely, it's pretty corny!
Dear person in movie who is being chased by a rolling boulder.,
Don't run in front of it! Just run to the side! It won't kill you if you're not in from of it!
Sincerely, oh look, you're dead. Should've taken my advice.
If it wasn't already obvious, we seat you next to the person you'd look best with.
Sincerely, yeah, I'm dating my lab partner, that's what we want to hear.