Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear teachers who insist that I stay quiet during a fire drill,
Is the fire going to hear us?
Dear Jane Doe,
Did you marry John Doe, or are you his sister?
Dear Lifetime,
Is it awkward when you cast someone as a rapist?
Dear boys,
I've seen your girlfriends in the shower.
Dear "which is worse: ignorance or apathy",
I don't know and I don't care.
Dear strange girl,
Please stop writing me all these weird letters. I don't care.
Dear parents,
Please wait until I leave the house to do your business. The 'going into your room and turning up the TV' trick is getting old.
Dear alarm clocks,
We are far more effective than you at getting people out of bed.
Dear Hogwarts,
That awkward moment when even Hufflepuff rejects you.
Dear person walking on the sidewalk,
Homeless or hipster?
Dear automatic toilet,
You scared the crap out of me!
Dear French teacher,
"It's a video of France in the modern world, France today." Yeah right.
Dear lady on the elliptical in front of me,
STOP FARTING!
Dear shoe,
Please make that squeaking sound again.
Dear Americans,
Remember how you said a black guy would be president when pigs flew? You're welcome.
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