Dear teachers who insist that I stay quiet during a fire drill,
Is the fire going to hear us?
Sincerely, I didn't think so.
Dear Jane Doe,
Did you marry John Doe, or are you his sister?
Is it awkward when you cast someone as a rapist?
Sincerely, 'cause it seems like it would be.
I've seen your girlfriends in the shower.
Sincerely, Rubber Duckie.
Dear "which is worse: ignorance or apathy",
I don't know and I don't care.
Sincerely, see what I just did there?
Dear strange girl,
Please stop writing me all these weird letters. I don't care.
Please wait until I leave the house to do your business. The 'going into your room and turning up the TV' trick is getting old.
Sincerely, your not-so-ignorant child.
Dear alarm clocks,
We are far more effective than you at getting people out of bed.
Sincerely, full bladders.
That awkward moment when even Hufflepuff rejects you.
Dear person walking on the sidewalk,
Homeless or hipster?
Sincerely, can't tell.
Dear automatic toilet,
You scared the crap out of me!
Sincerely, good thing I was already on the toilet...
Dear French teacher,
"It's a video of France in the modern world, France today." Yeah right.
Sincerely, you're holding a VHS tape.
Dear lady on the elliptical in front of me,
Sincerely, dying on the one behind you.
Please make that squeaking sound again.
Sincerely, I don't want people to think I farted.