Dear unborn child,
I can promise you that no matter how hard you kick, you're not getting out for a while.
Sincerely, Oh, that's what getting kicked in the cervix feels like...
Dear Kermit,
You're right, it isn't easy being green.
Sincerely, Elphaba.
Dear Bruno Mars,
How can you throw your hand in your pants, chill in your snuggie, and strut in your birthday suit all at the same time?
Sincerely, does not compute.
Dear boy dancing with me,
Roses are red, violets are blue, if you grab my butt, I'll punch you.
Sincerely, anonymous.
Dear people staring,
I am 15. The kid I am with is 8. Of course she's not my daughter. She's my sister. I was not pregnant at 7.
Sincerely, you're all idiots.
Dear Store,
Please have a female cashier... please have a female cashier...
Sincerely, Tampons, Midol, ice cream, and The Lion King on Blu-ray.
Dear guy that just tried to rob my apartment,
I have a 180 pound mastiff, my boyfriend is a professional boxer, and I have been a black belt in Tai Kwon Do since the age of three...
Sincerely, but nice try....
Dear bald people,
Do you wash your head with shampoo or soap?
Sincerely, always wondered.
Dear optimists,
The closer it is to the weekend, the closer it is to Monday.
Sincerely, pessimists.
Dear celebrities,
Do you ever Google your names and look at all the things people say about you?
Sincerely, curious.
Dear makers of cheap earbuds,
Have you ever even worn headphones before? Or, in fact, seen an ear?
Sincerely, the opening of my ear isn't the size of a quarter.
Dear confusing boy,
So, taking me out on an expensive date, telling me I look wonderful, and holding my hand for three hours doesn't mean you want to be more than friends?
Sincerely, then my middle finger doesn't mean I hate you.
Dear Vogue,
Would you like some articles with those advertisements?
Sincerely, readers everywhere.
Dear unsuspecting furniture store customers,
"FOR NARNIA!!!!!!!!!"
Sincerely, hiding in the wardrobe right behind you.
Dear owners,
I don't always walk across your lap... but when I do, I make sure to step on your genitals.
Sincerely, scumbag cat.
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