Dear cops,
Please stop pretending you never drank before you were 21.
Sincerely, you're not fooling anyone.
Dear Bella,
So, when your boyfriend left you, you started hearing his voice inside your head and then jumped off a cliff? We have a name for that honey.
Sincerely, psychiatrist.
Dear vegetarians,
Yes, this deer could be Bambi's mother, but that cucumber could be Larry!
Sincerely, I'll eat my venison, thank you very much.
Dear mom,
Thanks for naming me Bob.
Sincerely, your dyslexic son.
Dear girl who wore way too much berry-scented perfume,
I hope you get chased by a swarm of bees.
Sincerely, still gagging in the elevator.
Dear scientists,
Which is worse for our lungs, smoking or walking into an Abercrombie store?
Sincerely, worried.
Dear store employees,
If you don't want us to joust, stop having electric carts and Nerf swords in the same store.
Sincerely, immature.
Dear London,
I don't mean to alarm you, but it seems you are driving on the wrong side of the road.
Sincerely, America.
Dear homophobic boss,
If homosexuality is such a disease, can I call in gay to work?
Sincerely, gay and proud.
Dear people who don't look before crossing,
Believe me when I say, "this is going to hurt you more than it'll hurt me."
Sincerely, SUV.
Dear patients,
You do realize that 50% of us graduated in the bottom half of our class, right?
Sincerely, doctors.
Dear girls of the world,
If we tell you, "you're beautiful," we're not looking for an argument, we mean it.
Sincerely, the guys.
Dear "flesh tone" Band-aids,
This isn't the fifties.
Sincerely, not everyone is beige.
Dear boys,
When in doubt, "Have you lost weight?" always works.
Sincerely, girls.
Dear "better than the leading brand",
If you're better than the leading brand, wouldn't you be the leading brand?
Sincerely, skeptical.
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