Dear Aladdin,
You were my favorite prince until I noticed you didn't have nipples.
Dear germaphobes,
Please just touch the door handle. It's not going to kill you.
Dear racist white people,
When I was born I was black, when I grew up I was black, when I'm sick I'm black, when I go out in the sun I'm black, when I'm cold I'll be black, and when I die I'll be black. But you, when you where born you were pink, when you grew up you were white, when you're sick you're green, when you go out in the sun you turn red, when you're cold you turn blue, and when you die you'll turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored?
Dear person who said "nothing is impossible",
Have you ever tried nailing Jell-O to a wall?
Dear stores with samples,
THANK YOU!
Dear 2011,
You better be awesome. 2010 sucked and we're all dying in 2012.
Dear teenage girls,
Who are you kidding? Stop acting like we're the only perverted ones here.
Dear Pillsbury Doughboy,
Now you know how I feel.
Dear mother who forgot to tell me her child screams bloody murder in her sleep,
Anything else I should know?
Dear underwear in the lost and found,
How did that happen, exactly?
Dear mom,
No, I am not watching porn, doing drugs, drinking, smoking, or having sex when I close my door.
Dear boyfriend,
30 minutes or less...? You should work for Dominos.
Dear CDs,
Why are you so hard to open? No one is going to steal you, that's what the internet is for.
Dear doorbell on TV,
Thank you for sounding exactly like my doorbell.
Dear YouTube,
Please stop making me watch a 30 second advertisement just to watch a two minute video.
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