Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear doctor,
My Pap test was awkward enough without you telling me what a nice job I did shaving..
Dear girl sitting next to me on the bus,
Thank you for sneezing right in my face.
Dear reader,
ಠ_ಠ
Dear waitress judging me for ordering alcohol,
I'm not pregnant, just fat.
Dear guy trying to make miscarriage jokes to me,
Please realize you're really ignorant and need to shut up.
Dear Customer,
Please know how awed I was when you came up to the register with condoms, not have enough to pay for them, and come back up with saran wrap and rubber bands.
Dear time,
Please tell my brain that it's one AM and I don't need to be making beat box rhythms to my husbands snoring.
Dear boyfriend,
Please don't ever tell me it's good for my face.
Dear Last Names,
If you were given to people based on what their jobs were, then where did I come from?
Dear person who just rear-ended me,
Thank you for singing "like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!" When we got out.
Dear public school kids,
...and you think your sex ed is awkward
Dear boys who wear skinny jeans,
You took the phrase 'getting into her pants' the wrong way
Dear Boy who held the door open for me,
I was so impressed by your chivalry, I didn't notice you were headed into the boys locker room.
Dear Peter pan,
You call it pixie dust, I call it crack!
Dear "I wasn't that drunk!",
Please dude, you walked up to a semi-truck and whispered "I know your secret, Optimus Prime."
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