Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyAttack of the CuteGrouchy Rabbit
Dear Just pretend I'm "prince charming",
I was only 7 years old. I had to tell my Fiancé today that I'm not a virgin and I can't have children because of scar tissue.
Dear lesbians in the swimming pool changing room,
I didn't ask you to stop because I'm homophobic. I asked you to stop because you were naked and fondling each other in full view of everyone, including a class of five-year-olds whose parents would blame me, as their teacher, if they came home and asked awkward questions. There were empty cubicles less than three feet away from you; you could have gone into one of those. Instead you yelled abuse at me and when a staff member came to see what was happening, you accused me of homophobia and claimed I said you would burn in hell for being gay.
Dear people in my hometown,
Reporting someone for an actual crime is NOT homophobia. My uncle sexually abused me for years. As a teenager I attempted suicide because of him, and I've spent most of my adult life in therapy. And you think that just because he's gay and a gay rights activist, I shouldn't go to the police?! He ruined my life but according to you I shouldn't try to get justice because of his sexual orientation?
Dear Mom,
7 is too young for cosmetic surgery. I would never have chosen this for myself, and it still hurts.
Dear family,
Thanks, telling me to 'suck it up' when I had a mental breakdown and ended up in the hospital after months of verbal and physical abuse, and constant misgendering and homophobia totally made me better!
Dear College,
I understand that you want to renovate the library, but do you have to start the week before finals and close the library during finals week?
Dear lady,
I don't care how bad of a day you've had, you never deserve to have the cashier pay for your purchase out of their own pocket. Which is exactly what is happening when you "borrow" money from the tip jar.
Dear dad,
You were unfaithful to mum and left the family. You "felt lonely" because your girlfriend has her own family that she won't leave and you can't stay with her. You promised mum that you'd cut off all contact with your girlfriend and came back. Now, you are still talking to your girlfriend on a daily basis but you don't want us to be mad. You want us to treat you like before we found out about your affair. That's not happening.
Dear mother,
Please understand that even though you hate your husband, I don't hate my father. You got off the phone after doing nothing but screaming obscenities and told me he got in a wreck. Then, when I asked if he was okay, yelled at me for asking and said you didn't care. Don't get mad that I called until someone answered.
Dear Dad,
I don't have 'selective hearing' or 'ding bat syndrome' as you say. As confirmed by doctors, my hearing truly sucks. Either help me pay for the suggested hearing aids, or leave me alone.
Dear Roommate,
Please stop cheating on your girlfriend on our couch, it's gross and unbecoming.
Dear stranger in the pumpkin patch,
Please continue loudly informing me why my black and green hair and Insane Clown Posse shirt make me an unfit father. I can totally see how those two details tell you exactly who I am and how I raise my son.
Dear guy I really liked,
I know where your dick is, thanks, I don't need you to guide my hand there. Sorry I'm too classy to jack you off in a parked car.
Dear Teacher's Assistant,
Please don't tell my girlfriend that she's stupid for not finishing her paragraph. Its not easy for her. She just got diagnosed with depression and its the anniversary dad's death.
Dear Mr. Boss,
Your monthly productivity numbers should not comprise work done 90-100% by me. Please stop taking credit for my work and start doing some of your own.