Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear girls,
I have trekked mile after mile over many moons, crossing mountains and deserts, rafting across two oceans, surviving only on food I could kill with my bare hands and water that I drank as it fell from the sky. Well, actually, I didn't, but it would have been easier than getting out of the friend zone.
Dear obnoxious guy,
Asking if I stole the thunder and put it in my thighs is not a pick up line.
Dear Jehovah's Witness,
Yes, my car (which was in my driveway) door was unlocked. However, that is NOT an open invitation to open my car and leave one of your pamphlets on family life on my console.
Dear guy who just robbed me and jumped in his car to get away,
Sucks for you. I got your tag number memorized.
Dear teacher who said "no offense" when you called me a Negro,
I'm only half black.
Dear girlfriend,
Giving me a 'Happy Father's Day' card is not funny!
Dear sister who drank out of the milk carton with flavored chap stick on,
Oh my! That was gross.
Dear couple in the apartment above,
Thank you for the constant reminder that I'm not getting laid.
Dear sneeze,
You are an orgasm of the nose.
Dear "Do you have a hall pass?",
I'm 24. Do I really look young enough to be in middle school?
Dear world,
"Ninjas of the Caribbean" doesn't have the same ring to it, so there.
Dear overly enthusiastic friend,
Please excuse me for swearing like a truck driver when you slapped me on the back to say hello.
Dear couple making out in front of my locker,
WHOA, THERE! Um, yeah... You need to go find somewhere else to do that...
Dear humans,
You get mad at me if I wake you, and you get mad at me if I don't!
Dear Michael Buble,
Please don't sing Santa Baby.
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