Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear cop who pulled me over,
When you asked if I was lost and I said "yes" I wasn't kidding.
Dear mom,
Taking the TV remote doesn't stop me from watching TV. I can manually turn it on and change the channel as I please.
Dear boys I babysit,
Please stop looking at my belly button when I take you to the water park. I already told you: girls do not pee out of their belly buttons.
Dear TV,
Please stop playing tampon, Pamprin, Nuva Ring, and other vaginal related commercials while I'm watching a movie on tv with my dad, he starts getting really squirmy.
Dear Comfort Inn,
I got five hours of sleep on your lumpy and springy matress last night.
Dear girl who asks "does this make me look fat",
As opposed to how fat you look normally everything is relative.
Dear Selena and Justin,
She was a punk, he did ballet, what more can i say?
Dear "when pigs fly",
Two words. Swine. Flu.
Dear blowpops,
I liked you better when i was innocent...
Dear auto-correct,
Duck you.
Dear health-freak parents,
If you ever try to sneak protein powder into my pancakes again, I'm pouring acid on your vegetable garden.
Dear Domino's pizza is now served with real cheese,
What were you using before...?!?!?!
Dear math teacher,
If I had twenty candy bars and ate nineteen of them what do I have?
Dear Juliet,
Now that's how you fake a death.
Dear mom and dad,
I know you hate when I wear super tight skinny jeans because you think they look slutty. But, if I can't get them off, nobody else can either...
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