Dear teenage girl,
You like Disney movies? And Harry Potter? AND you're a virgin? What a special and unique snowflake you are!
Alright, so my iron levels are too high so I need to eat less red meat, and my vitamin B12 levels are too low so I need to eat more red meat.
Sincerely, wait, what?
Dear sister who just turned 13,
Welcome to the dark side. we've been expecting you.
Dear people at NASA,
Do you ever say "It's not rocket science!" to your coworkers?
Sincerely, I would.
Dear whoever stole my Amazon package,
I can understand why you'd need thirty rolls of toilet paper considering you are a huge a-hole.
Sincerely, your friendly neighbor.
Are you wet yet?
Dear nursery rhymer,
Jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, jack fell down and broke his crown....
Sincerely, AND NOW HES LYING ON THE COLD HARD GROUND
Dear girl in my chem class.,
Do you have 11 protons?
Sincerely, you are sodium fine.
No no no, guys...I said I hate FIGS!
Dear peanut butter and jelly:,
I only use you together, and your jars are the same size. Why don't you run out at the same time?
Sincerely, have you been talking to the shampoo and conditioner?
Dear fellow gays,
Is it weird that I think homophobes are sexy?
Sincerely, They're kinda cute when they're telling me that I'm going to hell
Dear Pinky Toe,
Sincerely, Coffee Table
Please name your son Sam.
Dear my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard,
And I'm like...
Sincerely, this is private property