Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear judgmental looks,
I'm at Safeway at 11pm buying a cube of cheese, you think I care what I'm wearing?
Dear person walking slowly up the stairs,
Please walk faster. I don't like having my face near your butt. It smells funny!
Dear Twilight,
I love it every time you sparkle or moan and complain "I have to drink..." Thanks for making the best drinking game EVER!
Dear daughter,
I gave you my old football jersey to wear for "jersey day" at school, but instead you dressed up like a scandalous Oompa Loompa?
Dear teachers,
Why do you say that what we're learning applies to us in the real world?
Dear dog who just sniffed my crotch,
Whoa! Please don't.
Dear older brother,
Please stop making me do all your chores.
Dear stomach,
You're absolutely positive you don't want another sandwich?
Dear Selena Gomez,
Somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend.
Dear robot,
If you do the robot is it still called the robot, or just dancing?
Dear State Farm,
I did the jingle, and nobody came...
Dear new baby,
If I speak to you in fake English, and your dad speaks to you with an American accent, which one are you going to use when you start talking?
Dear Peter Pan,
Sneaking around a child’s bedroom and inviting them to Neverland? Been there, done that.
Dear mom,
I'm not messy. I have reverse OCD.
Dear boys,
My daughter is available for dating again...
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