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Dear Old Woman at the Mall,
Please stop yelling at me for having a baby so young, It is a robot baby that I was assigned to for a school project. I didn't ruin my life, my teacher ruined my weekend.
Dear ex-aunt,
You've been cheating on my uncle for most of your youngest daughter's life, you took the house (which you trashed,) and the dog (who you are basically starving,) and you still think you're going to get custody of the kids?
Dear "Violence is always wrong",
My neck still hurts from the last time I tried to kill myself. And when I came back from the hospital, the first thing I heard was: "So you didn't manage to kill yourself this time either? No wonder your mommy's ashamed of you!"
Dear Whovians,
Every time I read your fandom name I always think that you're obsessed with Dr. Seuss and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Dear neighbor dog,
Please stop barking at 3 A.M. It has been 12 years and you have not shut up yet. Please die already.
Dear guy friend,
Remember when I said I wasn't looking for a relationship?
Dear bicyclists,
Keep in mind that "share the road" goes both ways. If you're riding in the middle of the lane, you're not sharing the road, are you?
Dear little kids,
Please stop saying "I quit" before I tag you. It defeats the whole purpose of the game.
Dear family,
Please don't make fun of me because I have a hard time calling people on the phone, ordering at a resteraunt, or even ringing the doorbell at people's homes.
Dear 'friend zoned guy friend',
How is it my fault that as soon as you met me you 'potential girlfriend' zoned me? I just wanted to be mates...
Dear gay friends who criticize me for being Christian,
You ask me not to judge you for your life choices, so please don't judge me for mine
Dear table of loudly bragging frat boys,
Oh please, give it a rest. Do you see the 40-something gentleman with the gray beard, sitting quietly at the table in the corner? I promise, he got more action this weekend than all of you.
Dear loving older sister,
I didn't understand why you wanted me to give the creepy quiet guy who hit on me a chance, but i thank you. Never in a million years would i ever expect for him to be my one and only, but you did. He loves me so much and got me out of a depressive rut in my life. He is the love of my life and you are the best sister ever.
Dear Netflix,
Please stop suggesting that I should watch Human Centipede. If I wanted to watch someone eating crap I'd go to McDonald's.
Dear fat,
Where in the name of all things did you come from? I'm too busy to eat anything more than a quick meal or two a day and I haven't touched soda in months.
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