Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
SORT BY
TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear Facebook,
I wish you had to pass a sobriety test to login.
Dear sex ed teachers,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Dear Mark Twain,
Thank you for being the funniest man to ever walk the planet!
Dear boy who thinks I have commitment issues,
I don't.
Dear TV,
Please stop playing tampon, Pamprin, Nuva Ring, and other vaginal related commercials while I'm watching a movie on tv with my dad, he starts getting really squirmy.
Dear Comfort Inn,
I got five hours of sleep on your lumpy and springy matress last night.
Dear geometry,
Thank you for preparing me for the time when I'll have to figure out the lengths of the mid-segments of an isosceles triangle.
Dear Catherine of Aragon,
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no heir.
Dear pet cat,
Thank you for taking a bite out of my unwrapped McDouble and giving me a literal icanhazcheezburger moment!
Dear cute lifeguards,
I hope you can't tell that I just farted.
Dear Charmin Brand toilet paper,
Aren't your commercials technically bear porn?
Dear robot,
If you do the robot is it still called the robot, or just dancing?
Dear bag of chips,
"Open Here."
Dear guy who invited me over to watch a Harry Potter movie,
Oh, you wanted to hook up the whole time?
Dear Waldo,
Care to join us?
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