Dear self-conscious teen,
Whenever you're feeling down, just remember: YOU were the fastest sperm.
Dear teens about to do homework,
You should go on Facebook, someone liked your status. Oh, and update your Twitter too, you haven't done that since like yesterday! Don't forget to check your email though. Oh, and your AIM. Did I mention that YouTube has a hilarious new video?
Sincerely, procrastination and the Internet have joined forces.
Dear people who want flying cars,
That'd be cool, but you could probably only fly them in special areas, and you'd probably need special training, and specific fuel, and they'd probably be super expensive . . .
Sincerely, oh wait, PLANES.
Dear parents who told me "college is the fountain of knowledge",
Yeah, well, students go there to drink.
Sincerely, just sayin'.
Dear person trying to push a pull door,
Sincerely, just tried to pull a push door.
Dear smart water,
Please is there a minimum intelligence level required to drink this?
Sincerely, I can't open the lid.
Dear girls playing never have I ever,
WHAT HAVEN'T YOU DONE?!
Sincerely, totally scarred for life.
It's so dark in here, I can't even read the price tag!
Sincerely, I see what you did there...
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!
Sincerely, no, not a stalker. Just the mailman.
Dear witchy popular girl,
I would say, "I may be a nerd, but watch out, I'll be your boss someday," but I don't think that's gonna happen.
Sincerely, I don't plan on being a pimp.
If you won't cancel Jersey Shore, then I will.
Sincerely, Hurricane Irene.
Dear parents who name their kids "Christian",
I'd like to introduce you to my son Muslim, my daughter Jew and my cousin Athiest.
Sincerely, it is the same thing...
I apologize for missing the toilet seat so much. I'm a shotgun, not a sniper.
Sincerely, your trajectionally-challenged brother.
Dear hand sanitizer,
Sincerely, paper-cut on my hand that I forgot about.