I'm going to write a book filled with wonderful, interesting characters you will fall in love with. You will learn their secrets and understand their inside jokes and cry with them and be happy when they're happy. Then, when I am sure you are in love with them, I will kill them in the cruelest way plausible.
Dear the girls in my grade,
Please note that if someone can see up your skirt when you sit down, it's too short
Sincerely, I really didn't want to see that...
Please stop telling me that teenagers think they know everything when I have never claimed to or acted as if I thought I did.
Sincerely, I find it's adults that usually think they know everything
I haven't smoked in at least 6 years. You aren't even aware that I've gotten married. How in the world did you find out my new address?
Sincerely, And everyone is scared of the NSA.
Please understand that just because I need time by myself, doesn't mean that I'm lonely, depressed, and/or suicidal.
Sincerely, Your introverted, and slightly annoyed Daughter.
Dear jock who keeps picking on me,
Yes. I have realized that you play football, and are apparently very skilled in that area. However, I am not jealous, even though you have told me repeatedly that I should be. You can play a sport, but I can craft entire worlds with just words.
Sincerely, a quiet girl who likes to write
Dear Chemistry Professor,
Please don't lecture me about how awful pesticides are when you hear my parents own a pest control company and that I am a licensed exterminator. I understand that you don't like pesticides but my parents work hard to pay the bills and I need the extra money to pay for this college education you are suppose to be providing me.
Sincerely, I very annoyed, exterminator/college student who is paying for school all by herself
Dear hypocritical friend,
Just because you don't like the guy I'm dating, doesn't mean I can't still use the advice you gave me.
Sincerely, learning to date a new guy
Dear People Who Ask Advertisements "If You're Better Than The Leading Brand Why Aren't YOU The Leading Brand?",
That's a nice thought, but as much as we would all like to live in a world where the winners are always the best competitors, we don't.
Sincerely, I have abnormally large ears
It's been two months. Either I've been miraculously impregnated by some higher power, or your hormonal schedule is waaaaaaaay off. Time to get your shit together, or else I'm rehiring your old assistant, Mr. Pill.
Sincerely, virginal college student who ain't gonna stand for your indecisiveness
Huge boobs aren't needed for a girl to have a nice body.
Sincerely, AA cup and rockin it.
Dear male friend who likes our mutual female friend,
Please, just get together. The tension is irritating all of us to death. Just please man up, she likes you too!
Sincerely, all your friends who are tired of watching you two
Dear math teacher,
Please stop having us write full papers on our feelings. It's really pretty weird.
Sincerely, frustrated student who's in this for MATH, not English