Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear "pretty girls",
I love watching your face when I say, "Did it hurt when you fell from..." and then proceed to say, instead of Heaven, "...the whore tree and bang every guy on the way down?".
Dear Ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend,
Cute, you wore his shirt to school. Guess he didn't tell you I used to sleep in that shirt with nothing underneath.
Dear Girl flirting with my boyfriend,
Roses are red, violets are blue, he is for me, and not for you, so if by chance you take my place, I'll take my hand and smash your face.
Dear world,
BAZINGA!!!
Dear friends,
Please stop sending me funny texts at the completely wrong moment
Dear people who say you don't learn anything from tv,
3 words... Big Bang Theory
Dear friend,
Sorry I unfriended you on Facebook. I had 556 friends in total, and you know I'm OCD.
Dear people looking at me weird,
What? you haven't seen a 14 year old girl with a cape and a viking helmet ride freely on a trike before?
Dear totally perfect guy I only met once,
I have spent hours on facebook typing in every possible spelling of your first, last, and even middle name, found your school on google maps, traced bus routes to that school, and still, nothing. Congratulations, you are totally unstalkable.
Dear people who point to their wrist when their asking about the time,
Do you point to your butt when your asking where the toilet is?
Dear Girls who want chivalry,
You should consider an engineering college. Guys will fight over opening doors for you.
Dear ex boyfriend who gave my number out to people for "free sex",
That's alright, I have your iTunes password ;)
Dear Mom,
When you ask me how I sent my friend my homework without meeting them in person, I obviously just attached it to our pet dinosaur and sent it to my friend's house.
Dear dog food companies with all natural ingredients real meat and vegetables,
My dog just ate a bunch of cicadas and half a pop-tart I dropped on the ground.
Dear snotty girl at school,
Please stop with the "really hot" suspenders.
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