Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear lesbian couple in my class,
So how does this work... you both make sandwiches for each other?
Dear girls,
You complain that you can't take your shirt off on a hot day like boys can. But please know that you are more than welcome to.
Dear teenage girls,
If you have succeeded in copying our style and make-up. Congratulations!
Dear "Did your mom pick out your outfit?",
Did your pimp pick out yours?
Dear neighbors with a trampoline in their front yard,
If you didn't want me to bounce on it in the middle of the night, why would you put it there?
Dear people who think they're nerdy because they watch the Big Bang Theory,
You're only nerdy if you get the jokes.
Dear upset, overweight woman,
Since we were both sitting in the OBGYN office I thought it was safe to assume...
Dear Taylor Swift,
Guys will never want to date you if you keep singing about every relationship you have ever had.
Dear "You're killing your hair with hair dye and straighteners....",
Actually, hair is dead skin cells. Can't kill what's already dead.
Dear [insert: current president here],
You suck! You're the worst president ever! The [insert: other party] would do such a better job! It's totally your fault that [insert: foreign power, gas prices, natural disaster, or lack of parking places] is ruining everything!
Dear Halloween,
Oh, the whore-or!
Dear vegetarians,
I eat the cows which produce the methane gas that effect global warming. You guys eat the plants that could fix global warming. So who is REALLY killing the planet?
Dear waitress,
Why did you bring me a BILL?
Dear boys,
You give out more mixed signals than Helen Keller directing traffic!
Dear cat that thinks the stove is a good place to sit,
Please be warned. If you keep sitting there I will have to assume you want to be cooked.
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