Dear girlfriend who just complained to me about her period,
I'm so sorry, I wish I could make the pain go away... Wait! I've got it! Let me cut you open with a saw and rip out all your reproductive organs. Just because I love you and can't stand watching you in a pain.
Sincerely, Maybe you won't complain next time.
Dear Lesbians,
Please leave other boobs for us, you've got your own
Sincerely, boob lacking heterosexual male
Dear women,
PMS is a social construct. You only experience mood swings and food cravings because you're told it's expected of you.
Sincerely, psych major who no longer has PMS
Dear girls always complaining about periods,
Its really not THAT bad. You make it sound like there's a black hole in your uterus
Sincerely, a girl who knows how to take Motrin
Dear Females,
Cramps are caused by your abdominal muscles becoming worn out. If you wish to avoid this pain, do more sit ups.
Sincerely, The More You Know
Dear everyone,
What black and white and red all over?
Sincerely, Pandas in a blender
Dear girl mad at the Abercrombie and Fitch,
If we didn't have people looking at selected audiences for their products, nothing would be unique and everything would be bland and tasteless.
Sincerely, But I do understand why you're offended.
Dear consumers of eggs from non-private sources,
There is no such thing as a "free range" chicken egg. That term means nothing; the government (in the U.S. at least) does not even regulate its use. The chickens who are laying your eggs are being abused terribly--not to mention all the rooster chicks who are simply thrown into bins (where they fall atop one another and are crushed or suffocated). I am not trying to be condescending in any way, but please be aware of where your food is coming from.
Sincerely, a vegetarian transitioning to veganism
Dear friends who are "too cool" to go to prom,
Have fun sitting at home by yourselves while I'm having a great time with our other friends.
Sincerely, It's a once in a life time experience you'll regret missing
Dear girls who want nerdy guys,
Trust me, their great until you're ready for sex.
Sincerely, frustrated virgin
Dear Summer,
Please go faster!
Sincerely, I'm bored and I miss my friends....
Dear people who eat "fast food",
You realize that a banana is just as fast, right?
Sincerely, Person who actually goes in the produce section of the grocery store
Dear people grossed out by my not washing my hands in a public restroom,
I am not touching that blow dryer or paper towel dispenser let alone that DOOR with my clean hands. If I do, I might as well not have washed my hands.
Sincerely, I have Purell in my bag. I'd rather use that than touch one of the dirtiest surfaces known.
Dear Americans,
Why are you celebrating St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo?
Sincerely, if you want to get drunk, just get drunk without mocking other countries' holidays
Dear Girls,
Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure. Yes, you'll get attention, but mostly from pigs.
Sincerely, a real man
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