Please stop offering "buy 1, get 1 free" or "buy 2 for the price of $__". Not all of us have partners, and not everybody takes out one friend for coffee or dinner just because they have a coupon. You realise that some of us are poor and single, and so a "receive _% off your purchase price" makes far more sense.
Sincerely, the thought is nice, but consider that not one size fits all.
Dear People who think most people in jail just made a mistake and are good people,
Yes, they mistakenly robbed a store, mistankely bought something illegal, mistakenly ran from the cops, mistakenly killed a person/pet, mistakenly raped somebody.
Why do you think the world revolves around you? Six hundred years ago the rest of the world didn't even know you existed.
Sincerely, get over yourselves.
Please remember that sometimes, there is no absolute truth. Many moral, economic, or other issues have many many ways to solve the problem. Sometimes however, there is absolute truth. Such as whether or not God exixts, or natural laws.
Sincerely, I found Absolute Truth
Please don't complement me on my looks. It creeps me out.
Sincerely, Passer byer
Girl I Complemented on the Subway,
Please understand that when a guy compliments you, he's not trying to get laid. I just thought you deserved a compliment.
Sincerely, I saw the scars on your arms.
Dear Everyone Getting Salty About Vegans,
Please realize that not all vegans are trying to force their opinions on you!!! Stop stereotyping, PLEASE.
Sincerely, Someone who is sick of categorizing and generalizing and stereotyping and all that other shit.
Dear EX- boyfriend,
Why did it take me so long to realize how much of an asshole you are??!! Not acknowledging my existence in public doesn't make you cool, it makes you a pathetic coward. Well, both of your best friends have expressed their interest in me, so I'm off to have my fun (in bed). Without you.
Sincerely, maybe I'm petty, but revenge is sweet
Tall, dark, and handsome is a very real thing. It's hard to resist.
Dear "no pun intended",
The sooner you say that after your pun, the more obvious it was that you intended to make that pun and want to boast about it.
Sincerely, true unintended puns will take some time to realise
I understand you need space, but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you so much. You were my first love and part of my heart will always belong to you because you meant the absolute world to me. I hope one day you'll talk to me again, I'll be right here if you do.
Sincerely, Your Lost and Broken-hearted Ex-Lover
Please stop being mad at me whenever I don't support you when you say something stupid. I love you, and always will, but your opinions are your own and I don't have to sound stupid just to be supportive.
Sincerely, your loving husband
Dear Significant Other,
Please don't think so far ahead. It's nice to think that we'd still be together years from now, but our relationship is still new. I can already tell our lives will take different paths and it hurts me to see you plan everything around us. Please, focus on your own path.
Sincerely, I don't want to be THAT ex
Dear bird outside my window,
Please shut the fuck up. It is 2 in the goddamn morning, and some of us, like me perhaps, are trying to sleep. I get it, you are going against the grain and be a fucking nocturnal bird instead of a normal sweet diurnal bird, but you need to shut the hell up. I do not know what kind of bird cocain or bird amphetamines you are on to stay awake all night but not all of us have access to bird drug dealers and so we do not have the energy that you seem to have. If you refuse to shut up, then I shall make it my mission that every time I see you sleeping in that tiny little nest in the tree outside my window I will scream at you and wake your fat feathery ass up so you will understand what it feels like to have some annoying bitch squawking at you when you are trying to sleep. That is all.
Sincerely, Fuck you very much, A Tired Queen
Please I know you know I’m lesbian and you know who I like, but please stop looking at me with suspicion whenever I suggest we have a sleepover. It’s not like I’d do anything unless she did first.