I have trekked mile after mile over many moons, crossing mountains and deserts, rafting across two oceans, surviving only on food I could kill with my bare hands and water that I drank as it fell from the sky. Well, actually, I didn't, but it would have been easier than getting out of the friend zone.
Dear people of America,
I am a white, straight, gun-owning, conservative male.
Sincerely, how else can I piss you off today?
Santa saw your picture.
Sincerely, you're getting clothes for Christmas.
Dear Michael Buble,
Please don't sing Santa Baby.
Sincerely, it was not made for a male to sing.
Please accept my apology for throwing a sock at you and screaming "Dobby Be Free!!!"
Sincerely, drunk person.
Dear Justin Bieber,
Oh you've designed your own perfume, and nail polish line?
Sincerely, do you really expect us to believe your straight?
Dear lady wearing shorts and a bikini top,
This is Target, not Walmart.
Sincerely, please put some clothes on!
Dear couple in line at Walmart,
Don't you think you should of bought the condoms first?
Sincerely, laughing at the pregnancy test hiding under the box of condoms.
Dear parents who name their kids "Christian",
I'd like to introduce you to my son Muslim, my daughter Jew and my cousin Athiest.
Sincerely, it is the same thing...
I apologize for missing the toilet seat so much. I'm a shotgun, not a sniper.
Sincerely, your trajectionally-challenged brother.
Do you go trick-or-treating on Halloween night and say that your costume is a hobo?
Dear witchy popular girl,
I would say, "I may be a nerd, but watch out, I'll be your boss someday," but I don't think that's gonna happen.
Sincerely, I don't plan on being a pimp.
Dear vegetarian wearing a leather jacket,
Do you realize what leather is?
Sincerely, did someone "hide" your brain too?
Dear German exchange student,
Well, this awkward...
Sincerely, learning about the Holocaust.