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Dear parents,
When your little inquisitive ones ask you where babies come from and you're not ready to talk to them about sex, just tell them God blesses mommies and daddies to have babies when they pray. I know it's a lie but so is santa claus, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny.
Dear colleges,
Please stop letting girls who got pregnant at 16 go to college for free. You're encouraging bad behavior. Reward the people who were responsible and DIDN'T get pregnant in high school.
Dear friends,
So sometiems when I ask your honest opinion, I mean that I want you to agree with me. For once. Like, now that that good for nothing Klinté is gone, I have no man in my life to silently agree, so the responsibility falls to you, on those days, that we all have, when we just need a girl to say YES SISTER YES. So my dress is beautiful, my lipstick looks fine, there is not food on my face, and I'm the queen.
Dear long-time friend who married a girl our ENTIRE group can't stand,
Please, PLEASE, at least stop with the multiple five-minute-long makeout sessions in front of us? It's bad enough having to just be around her without having to watch you suck her face in every twenty minutes. Can you not just wait until we leave? It's also bad enough that you freaking MARRIED her and now we have to put up with her crap forever.
Dear Shakespeare,
No offense, but sometimes I wish you had died as a child or something.
Dear sex,
Oh, how I miss you so much! I'm in a relationship and I don't want to leave my man. He has allowed me date outside our relationship since he's older and doesn't have the same libido like he used to. The issue is that I'm afraid of catching an STD from some stranger (albeit I would use condoms but human nature wants unprotected sex), I don't want to go through that process of dating and getting feelings involved, plus I can't tolerate flaky people. I need to find a good balance of enjoying great sex while keeping the no-strings-attached attitude.
Dear US Government,
You say you want a "separation of church and state." If that is the case, then why is "under God" in our Pledge?
Dear Maria Sharapova,
Please stop grunting everytime you return a ball.
Dear bisexual people,
You are attracted to men and women, yet some of you don't like to be labeled as bisexual. Well, if the shoe fits....
Dear Americans,
White people who deny the current existence of racism are comparable to the morons who deny that global warming exists: they're both proven facts and there's a lot of evidence to support that they indeed exist but morons choose to believe the comfortable lies that are fed to them.
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