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Dear Republicans,
Why are you so obsessed with me?
Dear Other 10K Runners,
Please step to the side of the course before abruptly going from run to walk.
Dear Moderators,
The year is 1692. It's Summer and the sun is just setting. Let's see how long this takes to get through
Dear Parents,
Please stop telling us about all of the problems you have with each other. No, we don't know how you're supposed to fix your marriage, we're not therapists. And yes, you both talk about each other behind your backs. And yes, I know I'm being just as passive about it right now. But please talk to each other instead.
Dear humans,
Please recognize that the average person is attractive or our species would not have had a great deal of reproductive success. If you think that you are ugly, you are probably wrong just because of this.
Dear roommate,
Please stop this obsession with my partner, especially since you clearly don't know him very well. But it was funny to see how proud you were to 'heroically' tell him you know I hooked up with a girl, and then see it crash when he shrugged carelessly.
Dear Crazy Teacher,
Please make a lesson plan and stop treating us like your 2nd graders.
Dear Teacher's Assistant,
Please don't tell my girlfriend that she's stupid for not finishing her paragraph. Its not easy for her. She just got diagnosed with depression and its the anniversary dad's death.
Dear Brain,
Thank you for almost always magically knowing the answer. You shouldn't understand this, but you do.
Dear Mom,
I'm going to come out to you soon as transgender. My wife still loves me, God still loves me, and I love me even more since I admitted it finally. Please don't hate me. Show me the same love you always showed your gay friend.
Dear Cinderella,
Please don't act like you're better than us. All I wanted was to get away from my stepmother who literally killed me. And there's nothing wrong with Sleeping Beauty falling in love with the guy who saved her from dying as well.
Dear lesbians in the swimming pool changing room,
I didn't ask you to stop because I'm homophobic. I asked you to stop because you were naked and fondling each other in full view of everyone, including a class of five-year-olds whose parents would blame me, as their teacher, if they came home and asked awkward questions. There were empty cubicles less than three feet away from you; you could have gone into one of those. Instead you yelled abuse at me and when a staff member came to see what was happening, you accused me of homophobia and claimed I said you would burn in hell for being gay.
Dear "you look so pretty without your glasses",
Well, you look much better when I'm not wearing them too
Dear Roommate,
Please stop cheating on your girlfriend on our couch, it's gross and unbecoming.
Dear Mom,
You were right. About everything
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