Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear "pretty girls",
I love watching your face when I say, "Did it hurt when you fell from..." and then proceed to say, instead of Heaven, "...the whore tree and bang every guy on the way down?".
Dear friends,
Please stop sending me funny texts at the completely wrong moment
Dear ex boyfriend who gave my number out to people for "free sex",
That's alright, I have your iTunes password ;)
Dear dog food companies with all natural ingredients real meat and vegetables,
My dog just ate a bunch of cicadas and half a pop-tart I dropped on the ground.
Dear guys who hate Twilight,
So I'm the gay one when I just went to a movie theatre full of girls and got half of their numbers?
Dear mean girls,
It's not that I hate you....I just hope you start your next period in a shark tank.
Dear Judgmental Idiots,
Just because I'm slim, fashionably dressed, have a slicked-back hairdo, and a sexy accent, does not mean that I'm gay.
Dear world,
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
Dear my poor innocent puppy,
Sorry about my dad lifting you up in the air and singing the circle of life
Dear "An apple a day keeps the doctor away",
LIES!
Dear Kay Jewelers,
Every kiss does NOT begin with K.
Dear yoga teacher,
I do know how to do downward facing dog. I do it wrong to stare at the hot guy behind me
Dear Jersey Shore,
If I wanted to watch talking carrots I would've watched Veggie Tales.
Dear Crying Girl,
What's wrong? Heartbreak? Rejection? Cheating boyfriend? Wishing you could go back to December?
Dear high schoolers,
You know how you hate those annoying twelve-yr-olds trying to be cool? That's how we feel about you.
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