Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear dad,
Nobody calls car transmissions "trannies" anymore. Please stop saying "...I blew a tranny the other day."
Dear alarm clock,
It might be you they hit on, but it's me they're sleeping with.
Dear Victoria's Secret,
Thank you for being concerned with my safety.
Dear Jerry,
I know you're with Ben now, but I really miss you. Please come back. We had such fun together!
Dear girls wearing "Warning! I am in love with a fictional vampire!" shirts,
Really?! I love the Count too!
Dear neighbors with a privacy fence,
Looks like you wasted your money...
Dear mom,
When you overheard me saying "the climax is always the best part" I was talking about books, not sex.
Dear boyfriend,
Now that you work at Subway, you can make ME a sammich.
Dear people on longboards,
We don't watch you board down the hills on campus because we think you're cool, we watch because we're hoping you fall.
Dear crazy three year-old-niece,
Thank you for stuffing a chocolate chip up your nose and being rediculously excited that your boogers turned to chocolate...
Dear substitute teacher,
Yes, that is my real name.
Dear wind,
Thank you making me feel like Marilyn Monroe.
Dear five year old campers,
You are the best kind of birth control.
Dear people who made cherry cough medicine,
WHAT KIND OF CHERRIES DID YOU EAT?
Dear food labels,
Serving size is 1/4 of cookie? Who the hell eats only 1/4 of a cookie?
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