Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear U.S. Government,
You should change your emblem from an eagle to a condom, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives everyone a sense of security while you're being screwed.
Dear English teacher,
It's so cool that you dissected my poem and found a zillion different, highly intellectual meanings.
Dear high school gym teacher,
Perhaps a 'Just Do It' shirt isn't the best wardrobe choice when you are teaching sex ed.
Dear Catholic parents,
Suddenly sleepovers with the opposite sex sounds like a much better idea now, huh?
Dear sneeze,
If you are going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and leave.
Dear hipster boys,
Pants... too... tight... can't... breath... world... caving... in... around... us...
Dear chemical equations,
You suck the fun out of chemical reactions.
Dear guy with a crush on himself,
I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a real douche.
Dear "hit and run" mugger,
I hope you enjoyed the lovely bag of poo you stole.
Dear boyfriend,
When I suggested we see a scary movie, I thought you were gonna hold ME.
Dear children,
When you look under your bed, what exactly are you going to do when you find me?
Dear Lily,
Remember that time you touched my hair in fifth year? I haven't washed it since.
Dear singing Barbie toothbrush,
Thank you so much for keeping him entertained.
Dear ER,
Yes, for the 100th time I was playing Quidditch when I rolled my ankle.
Dear crayons,
I want you inside me.
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