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Dear boyfriend,
Please stop trying to convince me to go against what my mother taught me.
Dear The World,
Please answer an important question. Is it wrong to hate a certain race?
Dear USB,
Are you the backup plan for when the USA fails?
Dear straight boy who said "you'd look better without makeup",
I highly doubt that.
Dear 15-year-olds these days,
When I was your age, I was raising babies, not Pokemon! Get your life together, you old maids.
Dear bird outside my window,
Please shut the fuck up. It is 2 in the goddamn morning, and some of us, like me perhaps, are trying to sleep. I get it, you are going against the grain and be a fucking nocturnal bird instead of a normal sweet diurnal bird, but you need to shut the hell up. I do not know what kind of bird cocain or bird amphetamines you are on to stay awake all night but not all of us have access to bird drug dealers and so we do not have the energy that you seem to have. If you refuse to shut up, then I shall make it my mission that every time I see you sleeping in that tiny little nest in the tree outside my window I will scream at you and wake your fat feathery ass up so you will understand what it feels like to have some annoying bitch squawking at you when you are trying to sleep. That is all.
Dear "Wanna come bungy jumping?",
Dude, I came into this world because of broken rubber I'm not going out that way too.
Dear Pinocchio,
So all I have to do is lie?
Dear kids who always know the gossip,
Well...I saw my teacher and my principal kissing...
Dear Teen girls who are obsessed with having a thigh gap,
I win.
Dear Airport Security,
How is this gonna work??
Dear Justin Timberlake,
We're very sorry but you cannot return sexy unless you have a receipt.
Dear Students using Wikipedia,
I hope you know that I got on and changed the page about Hilter. It was however amusing that half of you wrote that Hilter was in a secret relationship with one of his Nazi commanders.
Dear Readers,
Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to go down on you. And you're gonna love it. But it's only going to be long enough for you to start enjoying it, then I'm going to come back up and screw you, big time.
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