Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear substitute teacher,
Thank you for saying "There are only 2 reasons why your hands would be under your desk like that, and neither of those are allowed in school," to the kid texting in class.
Dear sleeping pills,
"May cause drowsiness."
Dear world,
The only reason I make my boyfriend sammiches is because the last time he tried it himself, he set our apartment on fire.
Dear humans,
You think that your kind gets a lot of divorces, you should check out our divorce rates.
Dear cashier,
When I asked if you could check me out I meant my groceries....
Dear Neighbor,
Please realize that if you change your wifi network name to "Hack this if you can" it'll change.
Dear older brother singing loudly in the shower when he thought he was home alone,
I was going to complain, until I caught the lyrics,.
Dear R in February,
It's okay. I understand.
Dear "popular" girls at my school,
You know you sweat during gym right?
Dear identical twin,
Your argument is invalid
Dear therapist,
No! I'm not lying!! MY TOYS MADE 3 MOVIES!!! I'M NOT CRAZY!! They walk and talk and--what are you doing?! Don't lock me in a padded room!! I'M NOT CRAZY!!
Dear multiple choice test,
...Why are the first eleven answers B?
Dear [insert: current president here],
You suck! You're the worst president ever! The [insert: other party] would do such a better job! It's totally your fault that [insert: foreign power, gas prices, natural disaster, or lack of parking places] is ruining everything!
Dear dogs,
You know the humans will give you food regardless of whether you obey them, right?
Dear urbandictionary.com,
Ohhhhhhh.
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