SORT BY
TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear bird outside my window,
Please shut the fuck up. It is 2 in the goddamn morning, and some of us, like me perhaps, are trying to sleep. I get it, you are going against the grain and be a fucking nocturnal bird instead of a normal sweet diurnal bird, but you need to shut the hell up. I do not know what kind of bird cocain or bird amphetamines you are on to stay awake all night but not all of us have access to bird drug dealers and so we do not have the energy that you seem to have. If you refuse to shut up, then I shall make it my mission that every time I see you sleeping in that tiny little nest in the tree outside my window I will scream at you and wake your fat feathery ass up so you will understand what it feels like to have some annoying bitch squawking at you when you are trying to sleep. That is all.
Dear DBPB,
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
Dear birds,
You get to poop on people's cars and get away with it?
Dear girls,
Do you really want a knight in shining armor?
Dear men,
Please keep telling women to get back in the kitchen
Dear Everyone,
I have a confession. I actually did choose the thug life.
Dear humans of the world,
Why do you blame us for stealing all of your things when you can't find them? Is it because we're black?
Dear King Arthur,
Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.
Dear hormones,
I said I want bigger TITS not ZITS
Dear bully from high school, ,
No I don't expect to be your boss,
Dear Lady Gaga,
Please make a song with the Goo Goo Dolls
Dear guy sitting next to me,
I can see you cheating off my answers on the test
Dear pessimist, optimist, realist,
While you were busy arguing over the glass, I drank it.
Dear Parents,
Please rethink what you you just said.
Dear hormones,
Please don't make our owner fall in love with that guy. Don't. Don't. STOP! Aaand she's in love. Brace yourselves.
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