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Dear lazy daughter,
Yes, texting plus facebook does equal textbook. You'll know another kind of facebook when I slap you across the face with an Oxford Dictionary.
Dear wild cherry Pepsi,
Is there a domestic cherry Pepsi?
Dear oxygen,
Wanna have a threesome?
Dear "I slept like a baby",
Please! I slept like a college kid on vacation!
Dear Apple,
When is the iTampon coming out?
Deer spell check,
Eye don't trust ewe!
Dear Rubik's Cube,
That was really easy! Oh wait...
Dear olive oil,
Slut!
Dear girlfriend,
Giving me a 'Happy Father's Day' card is not funny!
Dear KFC who says they don't serve chicken nuggets because there is no such thing as a nugget on a chicken's body.,
Please explain too me where the 'popcorn' is located on the chicken.
Dear "Do you have a hall pass?",
I'm 24. Do I really look young enough to be in middle school?
Dear underage partiers,
Do you really think that when you post a picture of you at a party holding a beer can and blur out just the beer can that that suddenly makes a difference? Do you think we are all going "oh theres a little blurred out spot on the picture that just happens to be placed over everyones hand in every picture, well that couldn't possibly be a beer can. Nah, it was probably soda and they just didn't want people to know what kind."
Dear world,
A couple of planks of wood. Now stop asking me.
Dear mom,
Thank you for shouting "WHATEVER!" whenever you get mad, even at inanimate objects. It has become tremendously humorous.
Dear family,
Hate to break it to you, but my favorite part about coming home is being able to poop in private.
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