Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
SORT BY
TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear people in my life,
I will seriously leave AT LEAST $500 to anyone who will go to my funeral dressed as the grim reaper and just stand there.
Dear World,
Please stop arguing over whether or not it hurts more to give birth or be kicked in the balls. We have a clear winner.
Dear cashier,
The condoms are for a science class experiment, the whipped cream is for the pumpkin pie and the pregnancy test is for my Aunt.
Dear "I'm never going to use this in real life",
That awkward moment when a someone holds a gun to your head and demands you recite the quadratic formula...
Dear parents who burst into my room,
We weren't screaming because we were having sex...
Dear friend who asked if Tangled was based on a true story,
Yes, there really was a girl with magic hair that glowed when she sang and lived in a tower until she was 18.
Dear male teachers,
Yes, I do need to take my bag with me to the bathroom.
Dear 12-year-old brother,
No, I don't know if a prostitute getting pregnant is considered a work-related accident.
Dear World,
When live gives you lemons, make a dress.
Dear Johnson's Baby Shampoo,
How exactly did you make sure it was safe for baby eyes...?
Dear English teacher,
Why are we studying Bob Marley's writing in our "African-American Literature" unit? He's Jamaican.
Dear people who say "hate is such a strong word",
Fine, I strongly dislike that person with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns.
Dear curious people,
Yeah, I do shampoo it... condition too.
Dear boy who asked me why I wear a bra because I have nothing to put in it,
Well, you wear pants don't you?
Dear duct tape,
Please tell me, if silence is golden, then why are you silver?
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