Dear Teen girls who are obsessed with having a thigh gap,
Sincerely, Spongebob Squarepants
Dear health product companies,
Please consider using more distinctive package designs. The anti-itch cream tube looks a lot like the toothpaste tube, and I'd already taken off my glasses to wash my face.
Sincerely, Blecchhh! Ptooey!
Are you the backup plan for when the USA fails?
Sincerely, severely, uninformed
Dear friends asking for my WIFI password,
Please. It's not that I don't want you on there, I just want to put the password in myself...
Sincerely, my dad made it "ASStastic"
So come on and let me know...SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?
Sincerely, Great Britain
Dear 15-year-olds these days,
When I was your age, I was raising babies, not Pokemon! Get your life together, you old maids.
Sincerely, a gal from the Middle Ages.
Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to go down on you. And you're gonna love it. But it's only going to be long enough for you to start enjoying it, then I'm going to come back up and screw you, big time.
Sincerely, Fuel Prices
Dear bird outside my window,
Please shut the fuck up. It is 2 in the goddamn morning, and some of us, like me perhaps, are trying to sleep. I get it, you are going against the grain and be a fucking nocturnal bird instead of a normal sweet diurnal bird, but you need to shut the hell up. I do not know what kind of bird cocain or bird amphetamines you are on to stay awake all night but not all of us have access to bird drug dealers and so we do not have the energy that you seem to have. If you refuse to shut up, then I shall make it my mission that every time I see you sleeping in that tiny little nest in the tree outside my window I will scream at you and wake your fat feathery ass up so you will understand what it feels like to have some annoying bitch squawking at you when you are trying to sleep. That is all.
Sincerely, Fuck you very much, A Tired Queen
Romeo and Juliet had sex, and then they DIED.
Sincerely, Coach Carr.
I wear stripes so that I am not spotted.
Since my two of my closest friends are dating now, can you get all the other couples I'm sure will get together at some point, you know, get together sooner? I'd like to place some bets.
Sincerely, at least then I'll be a rich third wheel
Dear Dad Who is a scientist,
I know you, and I know that you are smarter than a lot of other people, but that doesn't give you the right to mess up my favorite sci-fi movies.
Sincerely, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME WATCH GRAVITY WITH YOU.
Please stop treating me like your boyfriend, if I screw up its got nothing to do with you so don't give me the cold shoulder and say that I hate you. I don't, I'm just not alive to please you.
Dear Airport Security,
How is this gonna work??
Sincerely, abs of steel