Dear bird outside my window,
Please shut the fuck up. It is 2 in the goddamn morning, and some of us, like me perhaps, are trying to sleep. I get it, you are going against the grain and be a fucking nocturnal bird instead of a normal sweet diurnal bird, but you need to shut the hell up. I do not know what kind of bird cocain or bird amphetamines you are on to stay awake all night but not all of us have access to bird drug dealers and so we do not have the energy that you seem to have. If you refuse to shut up, then I shall make it my mission that every time I see you sleeping in that tiny little nest in the tree outside my window I will scream at you and wake your fat feathery ass up so you will understand what it feels like to have some annoying bitch squawking at you when you are trying to sleep. That is all.
Sincerely, Fuck you very much, A Tired Queen
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
You get to poop on people's cars and get away with it?
Sincerely, the one time I did it.....
Do you really want a knight in shining armor?
Sincerely, wouldn't it be harder to get him out of his clothes that way?
Please keep telling women to get back in the kitchen
Sincerely, that's where the knives are....
I have a confession. I actually did choose the thug life.
Dear humans of the world,
Why do you blame us for stealing all of your things when you can't find them? Is it because we're black?
Sincerely, black holes
I said I want bigger TITS not ZITS
Sincerely, flat and spotted
Dear bully from high school, ,
No I don't expect to be your boss,
Sincerely, I don't want to be a McDonald's manager
Dear guy sitting next to me,
I can see you cheating off my answers on the test
Sincerely, jokes on you, I didn't study either
Dear pessimist, optimist, realist,
While you were busy arguing over the glass, I drank it.
Please rethink what you you just said.
Sincerely, "No dating until you're married"
What comes with the new Divorced Barbie??
Sincerely, All Ken's stuff
Please don't make our owner fall in love with that guy. Don't. Don't. STOP! Aaand she's in love. Brace yourselves.
Please stop talking, stop thinking, and pay attention. Take all of those preconceived notions, your irrational anger and the stick up your a**, bundle them all up, and throw them away in that trash can. All done and ready to listen? OK. We. Do. Not. Sell. That. Item. Here.
Sincerely, a pissed off sales clerk