Dear "big boobs don't count if you're fat",
Big dicks don't count if you are one.
Dear advice givers,
Please stop telling me to imagine everyone in the audience naked when I'm nervous about making a speech. That just makes me horny and is not helpful.
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, the Titanic
Please tell me, do you really have 1000 year old plumbing?
Sincerely, Salazar Slytherin master of toilets
Dear Math Textbooks,
Stop trying so hard to be multicultural. Every problem does not have to be about "Mohammed, Jose, and JaQuonn". We promise we wont be offended if you use Bob Joe and Steve instead.
Sincerely, minorities everywhere
Dear "Virgins are like unicorns!!!!",
Sincerely, are you sure about that one?
Dear Billy Goats Gruff,
You would sell out your own brother just to get across a stupid bridge? Man... that's cold. I don't even want to eat you anymore. I'm... I'm going to go think about stuff...
Dear PB and J,
Wanna have a threesome?
That laughter was because you made an excellent pun and you never realised it. We did and found it amusing.
Sincerely, "a shoe/boot maker who was a sole trader..."
Please never learn to talk.
Sincerely, That would be super embarrassing.
I'm not racist, but cinnamon muffins are just fan-freaking-tastic.
Sincerely, told you I wasn't racist.
Sincerely, Someone who doesn't need to go anywhere
Dear women's bathing suit manufacturers,
Please start sewing the top "padding" thing in to place or at the very least make it easier to adjust.
Sincerely, "No, my boobs aren't lumpy. It's padding."
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Why did you give everyone from the Battle of Hogwarts and automatic pass? Was it just so you didn't have to write that final year book?
Sincerely, what will that teach them about Herbology?