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Dear mugger,
I've been a karate instructor for the past 63 years.
Dear Mom,
I thought you were still at the store...
Dear Santa,
If you leave a bike under the tree I'll give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
Dear mothers who put leashes on their kids,
I used to think you were so cruel...
Dear kitten,
AWWWW!!! Look how cute you are walking across my computer!!! I guess you'll just make a few typos on my four thousand word paper...
Dear Mulan,
Could you tell us your secret of how to wipe off make up in two swipes?!
Dear Forever21,
Wouldn't it be funny to open up a store next to yours called "Finally 22?"
Dear TV show "What Not to Wear",
Please start doing makeovers for men.
Dear person who invented bread,
So, one day you wake up, decide to pick grass, beat it, take out the seeds, beat the seeds, mix it with water, throw it in the fire, and then eat it?
Dear people wearing turbans,
If I look at you strangely, I promise that it's not because I think that you're a terrorist. I'm just trying to figure out if Voldemort is hiding under that turban.
Dear Chapstick,
Does anyone ever finish you?
Dear iPod,
Why is it that you have perfect wifi in my bathroom?
Dear christmas cookies,
I am supposed to use how many sticks of butter?!!??
Dear people who say I'm quiet,
My mother always told me "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Dear high school students,
Yes, I know exactly when you're texting in class. How? I used the same "tricks" to get away with it when I was in college.
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