If I opened a bakery I would call it Dat Cookie Dough and just chuckle about it forever.
Sincerely, impressed that I thought of this somehow.
Dear people that check behind the shower curtain for murderers,
what are you going to do when you find one?
Sincerely, I check with a baseball bat
Dear "Are you on your Period?,
I Started my day waking up in a pool of blood, is that how you would like me to end yours?
Dear daywalkers and the rest of the human race,
Please note that I have recently acquired a soul. If you find that yours is missing, do not panic. I have done you a favor as you will now survive the impending zombie apocalypse unlike the mortals. You're very welcome.
Sincerely, a ginger.
Dear "Don't you dare kiss any boys at that party!",
Trust me, Mom. I won't.
Sincerely, in the closet lesbian who CAN'T STOP LAUGHING
Dear textbook word problems,
Please stop trying to make everything sound all diverse and all-inclusive. It's not working.
Sincerely, "LaToya, Heidi, Suzuki, Josefina and Joe went out for lunch..."
Dear friend who tells me I need to go out with that guy,
B*TCH I AM WORKING ON IT!
Sincerely, I know he's cute and amazing for me...
Dear "Be Serious",
Last Time I tried that I was pushed through the veil by my cousin, leaving my troubled godson to fight the dark lord
Sincerely, Harry Potter Fan
Dear Downstairs Neighbor,
Please stop attempting to poke a hole in your ceiling to my floor.
Sincerely, you're screwing with my Rock Band performance
Dear girl sitting in front of me in lecture,
Please continue watching Brave!
Sincerely, not taking notes today
Dear graham crackers,
Let's have a hot, sticky threesome with marshmallows.
Sincerely, Chocolate bars
Dear student accessibility services,
Please proofread your emails for absurdity before sending them. "Please phone our office to discuss your deafness" might be one of the more ridiculous things people have said to me, and it definitely doesn't reflect well on you.
Sincerely, amused but concerned graduate student
I just found out that a groundhog is the same animal as a woodchuck.
Sincerely, this almost feels important.
Dear girl who called me fat and ugly,
Please understand that I haven't laughed harder in a long time.
Sincerely, we look exactly alike.