Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear girlfriend,
Giving me a 'Happy Father's Day' card is not funny!
Dear olive oil,
Slut!
Dear world,
A couple of planks of wood. Now stop asking me.
Dear "Do you have a hall pass?",
I'm 24. Do I really look young enough to be in middle school?
Dear mom,
Thank you for shouting "WHATEVER!" whenever you get mad, even at inanimate objects. It has become tremendously humorous.
Dear KFC who says they don't serve chicken nuggets because there is no such thing as a nugget on a chicken's body.,
Please explain too me where the 'popcorn' is located on the chicken.
Dear underage partiers,
Do you really think that when you post a picture of you at a party holding a beer can and blur out just the beer can that that suddenly makes a difference? Do you think we are all going "oh theres a little blurred out spot on the picture that just happens to be placed over everyones hand in every picture, well that couldn't possibly be a beer can. Nah, it was probably soda and they just didn't want people to know what kind."
Dear family,
Hate to break it to you, but my favorite part about coming home is being able to poop in private.
Dear boy who keeps asking me out,
My love for you is like the square root of negative one.
Dear alarm clock,
They might be hitting on you but they're sleeping with me.
Dear " spiders are scared of you",
If they ARE scared of me, then why did the GIANT one near the garage door sit and stare into my soul?!
Dear man,
Please stop walking into me.
Dear robbers,
If I put 6 locks on my door and leave every other one unlocked, then you will constantly be trying to pick all the locks...
Dear school,
I'm secretly hoping you're actually on fire every time we have a fire drill.
Dear orthodontist,
Nah, I feeh noh pain.. I feeh goo....
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