Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
SORT BY
TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear room-mate,
If you're at the other end of the apartment and can hear the sound of me brushing my teeth, you should be aware that I can hear you having sex.
Dear student,
Please don't wave a stack of money in my face and tell me you went to a strip club the night before; clearly, I'm going to think you earned that money on the pole; just saying...
Dear guy who "slowed down" at the stop sign,
If I beat you with a stick, would you want me to stop or just "slow down"?
Dear freezer,
You make me so hard.
Dear girls,
And you thought your time of month was bad...
Dear chemistry teacher,
We weren't cheating! We were covalently bonding our answers...
Dear "100 things to do before you die" creator,
Why didn't you include, "yell for help!"?
Dear ex boyfriend's crotch,
Please allow me to introduce you to all 1500+ pages of the complete encyclopedia of football.
Dear girls who go tanning,
Please realize that there is a difference between being tan and looking orange.
Dear people with pollen allergies,
You are allergic to plant sex.
Dear Loreal,
So if I use that moisturizer it will "remove 10 years?"
Dear neighbor,
I'm not getting laid right now! You have such a dirty mind...
Dear MTV,
Weren't you supposed to be about music?
Dear ABC,
Please make me the next Bachelor! I want to date a bunch of drunk, tan, dolled-up girls while still being considered a gentleman.
Dear jerks shouting obscenities from their car,
Why yes, I am a homo sapien. Thank you for your keen observation!
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