Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear Words With Friends,
Creative game idea, I wish I had thought of it.
Dear Hopscotch,
I can understand where the hop came from, but where did the scotch come from?
Dear rest of my sex-ed class,
Please stop staring at me, this is awkward enough...
Dear idiot,
The correct response to "No, we're not twins" is not "Are you sure?"
Dear manly men who aren't afraid of anything,
Tampons.
Dear guest in my home,
No, you'll have to pee in the ditch outside like the rest of us.
Dear smokers,
If you blow smoke in my face, don't act surprised if I spray Febreeze in yours...
Dear Mary Poppins,
How do you get a bird to land on your finger and sing? I've been trying for years.
Dear "are you pregnant?",
NO! ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!
Dear Mother in law,
Please stop refering to my pregnancy as "we're pregnant" I remember the night I got pregnant and trust me you weren't there..
Dear sweetheart,
It would have helped if you had just gone down on your knees instead of placing the ring in the champagne glass. There are other ways of seeing me "choke" up with emotion...
Dear Teacher who asked "If I arranged 30 boxes of a pencils into triangles what would I have?",
Some sort of mental illness?
Dear Netflix,
Thank you for putting Toy Story 3 under "emotional movies."
Dear tampon and pad comercials,
Okay, so, mine's not blue.
Dear younger self,
Don't worry, it gets better. You become a successful artist with a beautiful boyfriend. Never stop drawing and ignore the guy that calls you a faggot.
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