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Dear French teacher,
I'm glad you don't make us learn useless sentences like "the dog eats chicken" or "the car is blue", but the sentences you make us learn instead make me question your sanity. Under what circumstances would you need to know the French for "the skeleton is on the roof"?
Dear child of mine,
Please let me poop in peace...
Dear restaurant,
If your roast of the day is always roast beef, its not the roast of the day. Its just roast beef.
Dear Hitler,
Along with everything else, you just had to ruin a perfectly good name, didn't you?
Dear People That Notice My Height,
Please stop telling me I am tall. I know I am tall, I have been all my life. No I don't play basketball or volleyball and no I am not going to. And yes, the weather up here is just fine, thanks for asking.
Dear immune system,
We both have the goal of keeping this human alive and well, especially through this flu. But you are not the only essential bodily function. So, if you could cut back on the mucus production so they could breathe, that'd be great.
Dear student with a mandatory money management course in his/her school,
Could you please tell us which school you attend and how you lucky bastard got a mandatory course in money management? Also, did you learn to fill up a tax return as well? And to *gasp* write a resume?
Dear roommate,
Please stop this obsession with my partner, especially since you clearly don't know him very well. But it was funny to see how proud you were to 'heroically' tell him you know I hooked up with a girl, and then see it crash when he shrugged carelessly.
Dear brother,
Please stop freaking out because there is a spot of blood on the toilet seat. No one is dying, our little sister is just learning how to use tampons. And given the amount of pee you leave on the toilet seat, you have no right to complain about anyone else's mess.
Dear humans,
Please recognize that the average person is attractive or our species would not have had a great deal of reproductive success. If you think that you are ugly, you are probably wrong just because of this.
Dear anyone and everyone reading this,
you are awesome and deserve a piece of pizza.
Dear roommate,
Please stop using PMS as an excuse for your behavior. Every other woman I know is perfectly capable of being a rational human being regardless of where she is in her hormonal cycle. Besides, what's your excuse for being a dick the rest of the month?
Dear Brain,
Please do the things I ask. There's exactly 18 days left in the semester, and we have 2 months worth of work to do. Get it together.
Dear Harry Potter,
Turn to page 394.
Dear religious people who ask if I hate them when they learn I dislike religion,
Does "I hate the sin but not the sinner" sound familiar to you?
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