Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyAttack of the CuteGrouchy Rabbit
Dear grandparents,
Please understand that we live in the 21st century and that I am not expected to cook for my older brother in my spare time anymore.
Dear Donald Trump,
Just don't
Dear girls who think better of a guy who tells you he has "high standards",
Well what else was he going to say? He has low standards?
Dear person who told me "don't get pregnant",
Though it's not really your business, I will tell you that my babies light up my world and I would gratefully welcome a half dozen more. I will never tell you that our love life died a bitter death after he raped me, so pregnancy isn't really a concern. Unless, I guess, he does it again.
Dear gay classmates,
Yes, I'm to~otally asking you to stop making out because I'm an 'evil' Christian who hates all gays, and it is not at all because you've been making out directly in front of my locker every day for the last week, preventing me from getting my books for class and staring at me tauntingly when I try to get passed you.
Dear fellow authors,
If you're writing about a place, a hobby, or anything else that you don't know much about, for the love of God do your research!
Dear co-workers,
yes, I know you all have children. Yes, I'm also positive I never want any. Do you want to amputate your left foot?
Dear person who run into things while on her phone,
I don't care if your friend calls you from Germany or Uganda, just stay still on the side so I can walk past you instead of zigzagging all over the place.
Dear judgemental people glaring at me in the pharmacy line,
Yes, I am on contraceptives. No, I am not a whore; I am still a virgin. These pills help control my severe PMDD.
Dear "the customer is always right",
No. The customer is very often an arrogant, impatient, self-entitled douchebag who expects special treatment from workers who they treat like slaves.
Dear friend's parents,
Please stop using me as a comparison for your own daughters. You make me feel ashamed of my hard work and success. You children are so talented and smart, but feel like they will never meet your standards, and then resent me for meeting them. I can't draw or sing or socialize like my friends. I'm not as dedicated as them - I was just luck to get a good brain.
Dear ex best friend,
Please stop saying you did nothing wrong and sending your friends to attack me. You told my stalker ex everything and made out with him.
Dear black customer,
You dropped and cracked a jar of jam at the counter and wanted to put it back. I politely told you that you had to buy it because you damaged it. You called me racist and said I was trying to force sub-par goods on black people. Don't you know that if *any* customer damages something, they have to buy it? You're one of the rudest, most stupid customers I've ever met.
Dear my brother's (now ex-)wife,
Angry? Why would I be angry? You only accused me of taking advantage of you when you were drunk because my brother realised your youngest child was conceived while he was in hospital for a major operation. You only got me arrested for rape, made my wife divorce me, lost me my job, and ruined my life until someone thought to DNA test your baby. Why should any of that make me angry? But I bet you didn't know I'm an ex-computer hacker.
Dear former friend,
When I told you I was bisexual and had a girlfriend, the last thing I expected you to have a problem with was the fact that she's Israeli. You were the only Arab student in a predominantly white highschool, and victim to enough racial slurs back then that I would have expected you to sympathize.