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Dear Parents,
Please rethink what you you just said.
Dear Viewers,
Why WOULDN'T I touch the butt? Butts are great!
Dear daywalkers and the rest of the human race,
Please note that I have recently acquired a soul. If you find that yours is missing, do not panic. I have done you a favor as you will now survive the impending zombie apocalypse unlike the mortals. You're very welcome.
Dear textbook word problems,
Please stop trying to make everything sound all diverse and all-inclusive. It's not working.
Dear Americans still waiting for their Hogwarts acceptance letters,
Please note that to get from Hogwarts to America, the owls have to fly over the Atlantic Ocean. Clearly, they all get lost in the Bermuda Triangle
Dear high schoolers at dances,
Wait you mean you don't do a Samba to this song?
Dear person trying to sleep,
You know what we haven't thought about in a while? Monsters
Dear Ash,
You shouldn't use that here
Dear Ninjas,
I'm still better at hiding than you.
Dear Juliet,
Oh, so this stranger you don't know, the one you made out with at a party earlier, randomly shows up IN YOUR GARDEN in the middle of the night, UNDER YOUR WINDOW? And then you agreed to MARRY HIM?
Dear girl,
Better late than not at all, right?
Dear elevator in my apartment building,
Please stop doing that thing where you pause between floors (and maybe start to go back down a little if you were ascending before you paused) as if you're deciding whether or not to fall and kill me
Dear any boy who wishes to win my heart,
Please don't ever give me flowers, teddy bears, chocolates, or love songs. I will just get embarrassed and hide.
Dear Owners,
You never see us picking up your poop! who's the pet again?
Dear world,
Can someone explain to me the hype about bacon? I mean, it's good I guess, but I'm going on three years without it and I'm fine. Is there something I'm missing?
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