Please rethink what you you just said.
Sincerely, "No dating until you're married"
Why WOULDN'T I touch the butt? Butts are great!
Dear daywalkers and the rest of the human race,
Please note that I have recently acquired a soul. If you find that yours is missing, do not panic. I have done you a favor as you will now survive the impending zombie apocalypse unlike the mortals. You're very welcome.
Sincerely, a ginger.
Dear textbook word problems,
Please stop trying to make everything sound all diverse and all-inclusive. It's not working.
Sincerely, "LaToya, Heidi, Suzuki, Josefina and Joe went out for lunch..."
Dear Americans still waiting for their Hogwarts acceptance letters,
Please note that to get from Hogwarts to America, the owls have to fly over the Atlantic Ocean. Clearly, they all get lost in the Bermuda Triangle
Sincerely, geography's a jerk.
Dear high schoolers at dances,
Wait you mean you don't do a Samba to this song?
Sincerely, teenage Latin ballroom dancer
Dear person trying to sleep,
You know what we haven't thought about in a while? Monsters
Sincerely, your brain who's trying to kill you.
You shouldn't use that here
Sincerely, professor Oak
I'm still better at hiding than you.
Oh, so this stranger you don't know, the one you made out with at a party earlier, randomly shows up IN YOUR GARDEN in the middle of the night, UNDER YOUR WINDOW? And then you agreed to MARRY HIM?
Sincerely, I would have called the cops, but that seems legit too...
Better late than not at all, right?
Sincerely, your period
Dear elevator in my apartment building,
Please stop doing that thing where you pause between floors (and maybe start to go back down a little if you were ascending before you paused) as if you're deciding whether or not to fall and kill me
Sincerely, terrified resident
Dear any boy who wishes to win my heart,
Please don't ever give me flowers, teddy bears, chocolates, or love songs. I will just get embarrassed and hide.
Sincerely, all I want is Triscuits
You never see us picking up your poop! who's the pet again?
Sincerely, Dogs of the world