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Dear teenagers,
Romeo and Juliet had sex, and then they DIED.
Dear teachers,
We are giving you apples for a reason. It worked with Snow White...
Dear East Coast,
Do you wanna build a snowman?
Dear new roommate,
Life would be much easier if we could get over this first awkward phase so I could comfortably fart wherever I needed to.
Dear friend on Facebook,
I only keep you on my list because you have now become my daily drama show.
Dear those new to Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock,
It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Dear boyfriend,
Please know that I push you to take a shower after sex so I can finish what you didn't...
Dear Rock, Paper, Scissors,
You're doing it wrong.
Dear babies,
Please stop being so cute! My wife keeps wanting more of you, but I don't think I can handle any more diaper changes...
Dear sleeping dog,
RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF!!!!!
Dear Hermione,
May I please borrow your time-turner? I just accidentally tooted in front of my crush!
Dear George Michael,
Her?
Dear "DearBlankPleaseBlank",
I blame you for my failing grades.
Dear porn site,
No, I will not "like" you on Facebook!
Dear Procrastination,
Thank you for making me possible.
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