Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyAttack of the CuteGrouchy Rabbit
Dear Mr. Trump,
It is possible to kill two birds with one stone. Please take that mutated beaver pelt off your head and insert it firmly in your mouth.
Dear Mr. Alarm Clock,
I understand that you do not enjoy the relationship Bed & I have, but if you really are bothered by it, maybe you should find a morning person who would appreciate your attention. It's not you, it's me. I can't stop loving Bed.
Dear voters,
So come on and let me know...SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?
Dear Cat,
Please stop wanting attention when I am sleeping. Or using the restroom. Or eating. I give you attention when I am not doing any of these things and you reject me. Why?
Dear Baby,
Please EXIT! I can't take being THIS pregnant anymore!
Dear marshmallows,
You complete me.
Dear fate,
Since my two of my closest friends are dating now, can you get all the other couples I'm sure will get together at some point, you know, get together sooner? I'd like to place some bets.
Dear co-workers,
yes, I know you all have children. Yes, I'm also positive I never want any. Do you want to amputate your left foot?
Dear friend's parents,
Please stop using me as a comparison for your own daughters. You make me feel ashamed of my hard work and success. You children are so talented and smart, but feel like they will never meet your standards, and then resent me for meeting them. I can't draw or sing or socialize like my friends. I'm not as dedicated as them - I was just luck to get a good brain.
Dear High School PE Teacher,
I forgive you but it will never make it acceptable for what you let slide under the rug. You HAD to break me out of a gym locker because girls in my class put me there. But you never had to say, "There's nothing we can do about it because there was no video evidence." Me being pad locked in a tiny locker should have been enough evidence. Not to mention the amount of blood and bruising that was left on my naked body after being raped by the girls who put me in there.
Dear Angry person on the phone,
Mmhmm. Mmm. Yeah. Excuse m- Yup. Mmhm. Hmm.
Dear crush,
Please take a hint. You're the most amazing girl I know. We were Eric and Ariel for the school musical, the Beast and Belle the next year, and Romeo and Juliet this year. I've known you since we were 5. Words cannot describe you. Can't you see the way I look at you every day? All the other relationships in the world wouldn't compare to ours.
Dear everyone,
Please stop assuming something is right just because it's what's always been done or it supports your belief. If it's proven wrong, it's okay to change your opinion.
Dear person who run into things while on her phone,
I don't care if your friend calls you from Germany or Uganda, just stay still on the side so I can walk past you instead of zigzagging all over the place.
Dear Vegan who clearly tells any soul that doesn't ask,
You are not morally superior to me because of the lack of meat/dairy you eat. Stop shoving your opinion down my throat. I don't believe in animal cruelty just because I drink dairy.