Dear mama and daddy,
What's that? You were thinking that tonight you wanted to practice making me a little sibling? Sounds like the perfect time to sleep between you. PERPENDICULARLY.
Sincerely, Your adorable little c*ckblocker who won't stay in his crib
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, absolute zero
I'm so depressed. Why don't people like me anymore?
Dear teachers telling me "You'll just be their boss one day,",
Sincerely, I don't plan on being a manager at the ghetto McDonalds.
Dear sex ed teachers,
Yeah... As it turns out, abstinence is only 99.98% effective.
Sincerely, the Virgin Mary and Shmi Skywalker
Dear band known as "fun.",
Please know that while I can't carry you there, I will CERTAINLY help you find your way back home.
Dear Guy Eating Doritos In Class,
Please stop. I like Doritos as much as the next guy but the moaning noise is a bit unnecessary.
Sincerely, Studious Notetaker
Dear automatic toilet,
Please stop flushing
Sincerely, I'm still peeing.
Dear lady at walmart,
Please don't assume I know about condoms just because I am college age.
Sincerely, no I will not help you pick out condoms for your 15 year old son
Dear English Teacher,
The curtains and sky are blue because blue is my favorite color.
Sincerely, the Author
Dear Mrs. Weasley,
Please explain to me how and why you adopted Harry Potter while I was at work... And how Dombledor approved of it.
Sincerely, a somewhat confused Mr. Weasley
How am I going to pick a college major, if every time I decide on one, you tell me how horrible that job is going to be?
Sincerely, tired of living with Professor Trelawney
I had something to tell you, but I just can't remember.
Sincerely, your supposed owner
Dear pirates who kidnapped me for ransom,
Please know I enjoyed my time with you, am glad you took my advice of more than doubling my ransom (what you demanded hardly matched my worth), respect you for holding up your bargain upon being paid the aforementioned ransom, and hope there are no hard feelings with me honoring my promise to return to execute each and every one of you
Sincerely, Julius Caesar