SORT BY
TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear girl who asked if I was dropped as a baby,
Yes, yes I was. Into a pool of sexy!
Dear spam mail,
I appreciate the consideration, but please stop sending me offers to "enlarge my manhood".
Dear modeling agency,
My selfie just got 34 likes. I'm ready to go pro.
Dear "the early bird gets the worm",
Well the worm got up and died.
Dear Maple Tree,
I'll tap that.
Dear Buffy,
The Cullens live in Forks, Washington. You know what to do.
Dear murderer behind the shower curtain,
Still winning that hide n' seek game? Me too!!!
Dear kids taking a test in a quiet room,
Allow me to play for you the song of my people.
Dear Cinnamon Toast Crunch,
Your commercials make me want to buy your cereal less.
Dear Cupid,
Next time shoot us both.
Dear tv remote,
Can we please play a new game, hide and seek is getting old
Dear girls who say the best guys are always gay,
Why do I always go for the straight guys then.
Dear air fresheners,
Have you ever actually smelled a real ocean breeze?
Dear couple sitting next to me on the plane,
Thanks for the pamphlet on accepting Jesus. I'm Jewish.
Dear food that's bad for you,
Please stop tasting so good
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