Dear girl who asked if I was dropped as a baby,
Yes, yes I was. Into a pool of sexy!
Sincerely, ...and out of a shopping cart
Dear spam mail,
I appreciate the consideration, but please stop sending me offers to "enlarge my manhood".
Sincerely, a girl
Dear modeling agency,
My selfie just got 34 likes. I'm ready to go pro.
Sincerely, white girls everywhere.
Dear "the early bird gets the worm",
Well the worm got up and died.
Sincerely, it's not a risk i'm willing to take
Dear Maple Tree,
I'll tap that.
The Cullens live in Forks, Washington. You know what to do.
Sincerely, the world
Dear murderer behind the shower curtain,
Still winning that hide n' seek game? Me too!!!
Sincerely, monster under the bed.
Dear kids taking a test in a quiet room,
Allow me to play for you the song of my people.
Dear Cinnamon Toast Crunch,
Your commercials make me want to buy your cereal less.
Sincerely, I don't want cannibalistic cereal
Next time shoot us both.
Sincerely, One sided love is no fun
Dear tv remote,
Can we please play a new game, hide and seek is getting old
Sincerely, I just found you...
Dear girls who say the best guys are always gay,
Why do I always go for the straight guys then.
Sincerely, one of the gays.
Dear air fresheners,
Have you ever actually smelled a real ocean breeze?
Sincerely, still gagging and choking
Dear couple sitting next to me on the plane,
Thanks for the pamphlet on accepting Jesus. I'm Jewish.
Sincerely, well this is awkward...