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Dear Bass,
I'm so depressed. Why don't people like me anymore?
DEAR PEOPLE WHO THINK GERMANS SHOUT ALL THE TIME,
WE DO NOT!
Dear "when pigs fly",
Bitch, please.
Dear Kids Waiting Up Christmas Eve For Santa,
Any other night, a fat guy in red climbing down your chimney and laughing, would scare the hell out of you.
Dear Will.I.Am,
Please change your name. We all know that you totally copied me.
Dear boyfriend,
Please lock the door the next time we shower together. The shower doors are glass and now your roommate has seen my ass.
Dear pirates who kidnapped me for ransom,
Please know I enjoyed my time with you, am glad you took my advice of more than doubling my ransom (what you demanded hardly matched my worth), respect you for holding up your bargain upon being paid the aforementioned ransom, and hope there are no hard feelings with me honoring my promise to return to execute each and every one of you
Dear Pet Parents,
Do you ever wonder what your pet has named you?
Dear Memories,
I had something to tell you, but I just can't remember.
Dear Potty-Training Nephew,
If you have to go to the bathroom, please notify an adult... especially if you are going to be sitting on laps.
Dear TV,
I turn you on.
Dear woman next door who screams every night,
Please stop screaming, or atleast inform me if you're being abused or just having wild sex.
Dear freshmen,,
Tweeting where you're hiding from the cops...genius
Dear pocahontas ,
No, I've never talked to a bobcat before... You might want to see a doctor about that one.
Dear Technology,
You mean to tell me we've come up with nuclear bombs yet we can't find a way to get rid of the painfully awkward lag on news channels when going to someone "on the scene"?
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