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Dear USB,
Are you the backup plan for when the USA fails?
Dear friends asking for my WIFI password,
Please. It's not that I don't want you on there, I just want to put the password in myself...
Dear 15-year-olds these days,
When I was your age, I was raising babies, not Pokemon! Get your life together, you old maids.
Dear Readers,
Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to go down on you. And you're gonna love it. But it's only going to be long enough for you to start enjoying it, then I'm going to come back up and screw you, big time.
Dear bird outside my window,
Please shut the fuck up. It is 2 in the goddamn morning, and some of us, like me perhaps, are trying to sleep. I get it, you are going against the grain and be a fucking nocturnal bird instead of a normal sweet diurnal bird, but you need to shut the hell up. I do not know what kind of bird cocain or bird amphetamines you are on to stay awake all night but not all of us have access to bird drug dealers and so we do not have the energy that you seem to have. If you refuse to shut up, then I shall make it my mission that every time I see you sleeping in that tiny little nest in the tree outside my window I will scream at you and wake your fat feathery ass up so you will understand what it feels like to have some annoying bitch squawking at you when you are trying to sleep. That is all.
Dear teenagers,
Romeo and Juliet had sex, and then they DIED.
Dear world,
I wear stripes so that I am not spotted.
Dear Airport Security,
How is this gonna work??
Dear Canada,
Please let me come live with you guys, America makes no sense.
Dear record labels/recording artists,
If you have objectionable language in a song, please make sure you offer an uncensored version. I'm sick of finding versions that have _________ gaps in the music that ________ sound terrible.
Dear people slamming Selena Gomez,
Please remember that last month Christina Grimmie, a dear friend of hers, was murdered by a hateful, psychotic person. OF COURSE she's going to defend Taylor from hatred, regardless of whether Taylor's innocent or not.
Dear Neighbors,
Please turn off your oven. It's been beeping every twenty seconds for the past several hours. I don't know how you miss it, seeing as I can hear it just fine. It's driving me nuts.
Dear Pokemon Go Creators,
Thanks for creating a game that brought my child hood back to life.
Dear first anniversary,
Please understand if you don't get the normal fanfare. One year together and one year apart. It's another sweet day that I won't get to spend with him.
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