Dear smart water,
Please is there a minimum intelligence level required to drink this?
Sincerely, I can't open the lid.
Dear health class,
Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die.
Sincerely, Coach Carr.
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!
Sincerely, no, not a stalker. Just the mailman.
Sebastian didn't want you to become human because you're a ginger and would easily get burnt by the sun.
Sincerely, it's true...
Dear person who thought it was a high five,
That's just how I wave.
Sincerely, things just got awkward...
It's so dark in here, I can't even read the price tag!
Sincerely, I see what you did there...
My whole world revolves around you.
Sincerely, a person on earth.
Dear person who checks behind the shower curtain,
It's funny because I'm actually in your bedroom closet.
Sincerely, the serial killer.
Dear parents who told me "college is the fountain of knowledge",
Yeah, well, students go there to drink.
Sincerely, just sayin'.
If you won't cancel Jersey Shore, then I will.
Sincerely, Hurricane Irene.
Dear older sister,
As you leave for college I have something important to say: Finders Keepers!
Sincerely, rapidly expanding wardrobe.
I apologize for missing the toilet seat so much. I'm a shotgun, not a sniper.
Sincerely, your trajectionally-challenged brother.
Dear fat tourist,
Please continue buying my "Famous Bermuda Sand" 200 feet away from a beach.
Sincerely, successful businessman.
Dear people who think snuggies are stupid,
I was a disbeliever too...
Sincerely, and then I got one.