Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear world,
I am not the enemy! There is no need to stay away from me!
Dear police officer,
Please let me explain. No, I am not drunk. Not being able to walk in a straight line is normal for me.
Dear bus driver who requires that boys sit with boys and girls sit with girls,
You do know that gay people exist, right?
Dear Sesame Street,
Please stop being homopobic and let Bert and Ernie back on the show. They are obviously just room-mates.
Dear next door neighbor giving me weird looks because I'm dancing around my room,
Don't you be giving ME that look... you're the one who's staring into my room.
Dear Febreeze commercials,
If someone blindfolds me, tells me to relax, and take a few deep breaths, I'm going to think I'm being prepared for rape, not about to smell lavender scented pillows
Dear parents,
If my water bottle is colder in the morning then it was when I got it from the faucet the night before, I think it's time to turn the heat on in the house.
Dear kitten,
If you're going to lay with your tummy up purring, please let me pet you, and don't attack my hands.
Dear boy who just broke up with my best friend,
You were peer pressured into dumping her, I was peer pressured into beating you up.
Dear good hair day,
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dear family photos,
Why must you be preserved forever?
Dear little girl that I babysit,
I was born on my birthday too, that's so weird!
Dear Microsoft Word,
Yes, that comma does belong there. I promise.
Dear boys who say they want girls in sweats, without makeup, and hair up,
Prove it.
Dear New Browser Tab,
I swear I had a reason for opening you...
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