Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear mom,
Please drop the word "play date." It's pretty awkward now.
Dear people who complain about seeing old people kiss,
We know you secretly wish that when you're that age you'll be that happy and in love.
Dear mothers,
I just realized Rockabye Baby is a song about a baby that falls off a tree and dies.
Dear regular at my restaurant,
I know that's not your wife.
Dear babies,
Please tell me where you got those adorable sneezes. I desperately need one.
Dear spoon,
I really don't give a fork.
Dear boys,
We have about as much control over our natural boob size as you have over your penis size.
Dear douches at my school,
I wore my "Special Olympics" shirt because I helped handicapped people preform athletics and possibly even boosted their confedence, not because I'm "retarded."
Dear Facebook,
Please stop suggesting that I "like" things just because my friends do.
Dear world,
Real heroes don't wear capes or underwear over their pants. They wear combat boots and dog tags.
Dear spit,
Please stay in my mouth when I'm talking to the guy I like.
Dear girl I want to marry,
Will a ring pop do?
Dear father,
As much as I appreciate you helping me out by doing my laundry this week, a warning would have been nice. Yes, that is my red lace thong.
Dear America,
Please understand that patriotism and alcoholism are not the same thing.
Dear people who say "I'll never use this in real life!",
No, you probably won't need to use the Pythagorean Theorem or calculus in your job at McDonalds. I, however, use them daily and am sick of your complaining.
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