Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear police,
What do you do with all that pot you confiscate?
Dear sticks and stones,
There are no known boundaries to the pain I am capable of inflicting.
Dear MTV Movie Award audience,
I... uh ... um... wow.. um... I ... uh... th-thank you!
Dear person talking to me,
When I have my earphones in, and the music is blasting, it usually means I don't want to talk.
Dear society,
Why is it ok to tell a smoker that smoking is bad for their health, but bad to tell a fat person that being fat is bad for their health?
Dear husband,
I realize that it's 11:27PM and Dairy Queen is closed, but if you don't manage to get me a Reese's Blizzard with extra Reese's in the next twenty minutes, I'm going to destroy you.
Dear Cinderella,
If your shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
Dear girls,
Please stop complaining that your boyfriends "use you, then hang you out to dry," you do it to me nearly every day...
Dear Little Red Riding Hood,
I'M NOT JACOB!
Dear Katy Perry,
They can spout whipped cream, they can shoot fire, and they can cause controversy on sesame street; is there anything that your boobs can't do?
Dear person who went in for a high five while I went for a fist pump,
WE CAN FIX THIS!
Dear Disney,
You do realize that once a female Clownfish dies, the male becomes a female. So technically Nemo was looking for his mommy, not daddy.
Dear Mom,
Next time you're lecturing me and ask, "Do I look stupid to you!?" make sure you aren't wearing that sweater with the penguins all over it.
Dear world,
A sheep's natural wool is naturally coated in lanolin, a substance which prevents the wool fibers from locking together and therefore prevents the sheep from shrinking. Once the fibers are woven together the lanolin is disturbed, and can then become smaller (shrinking the wool).
Dear girls who write "for hot sex call..." on the bathroom wall,
You know the only people who will be reading this are girls... right?
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