Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear Kermit,
You're right, it isn't easy being green.
Dear Bruno Mars,
How can you throw your hand in your pants, chill in your snuggie, and strut in your birthday suit all at the same time?
Dear boy dancing with me,
Roses are red, violets are blue, if you grab my butt, I'll punch you.
Dear people staring,
I am 15. The kid I am with is 8. Of course she's not my daughter. She's my sister. I was not pregnant at 7.
Dear Store,
Please have a female cashier... please have a female cashier...
Dear guy that just tried to rob my apartment,
I have a 180 pound mastiff, my boyfriend is a professional boxer, and I have been a black belt in Tai Kwon Do since the age of three...
Dear bald people,
Do you wash your head with shampoo or soap?
Dear optimists,
The closer it is to the weekend, the closer it is to Monday.
Dear celebrities,
Do you ever Google your names and look at all the things people say about you?
Dear makers of cheap earbuds,
Have you ever even worn headphones before? Or, in fact, seen an ear?
Dear confusing boy,
So, taking me out on an expensive date, telling me I look wonderful, and holding my hand for three hours doesn't mean you want to be more than friends?
Dear Vogue,
Would you like some articles with those advertisements?
Dear unsuspecting furniture store customers,
"FOR NARNIA!!!!!!!!!"
Dear owners,
I don't always walk across your lap... but when I do, I make sure to step on your genitals.
Dear ROTFL,
Laughing So Hard I Fell Off My Dinosaur Just Kidding I Don't Have A Dinosaur But If I Did I Would Name It Frank!
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