Dear girls playing never have I ever,
WHAT HAVEN'T YOU DONE?!
Sincerely, totally scarred for life.
Dear health class,
Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die.
Sincerely, Coach Carr.
Dear fat tourist,
Please continue buying my "Famous Bermuda Sand" 200 feet away from a beach.
Sincerely, successful businessman.
Dear smart water,
Please is there a minimum intelligence level required to drink this?
Sincerely, I can't open the lid.
Dear board games,
Sorry, I can't.
Sincerely, just saw Jumanji.
Dear movie theater usher,
What do you mean my bag smells like fast food?
Sincerely, I have no idea what you're talking about...
Dear teacher who says "I don't know CAN you?" after a I ask if I can go to the bathroom,
When I was using can, I was using it's secondary modal form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought that since you were a teacher, you would know that.
Dear person trying to push a pull door,
Sincerely, just tried to pull a push door.
Dear person who thought it was a high five,
That's just how I wave.
Sincerely, things just got awkward...
Dear parents who told me "college is the fountain of knowledge",
Yeah, well, students go there to drink.
Sincerely, just sayin'.
Dear hand sanitizer,
Sincerely, paper-cut on my hand that I forgot about.
Dear people who want flying cars,
That'd be cool, but you could probably only fly them in special areas, and you'd probably need special training, and specific fuel, and they'd probably be super expensive . . .
Sincerely, oh wait, PLANES.
Dear Stephen King,
You're a jerk.
Sincerely, scared to go to sleep.
Dear neighbor looking out the window at the wrong moment,
Well. This just got awkward.
Sincerely, dancing alone in the kitchen.