Also By UsSpokesSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much Money
Dear Pinocchio,
So all I have to do is lie?
Dear The World,
Please answer an important question. Is it wrong to hate a certain race?
Dear Airport Security,
How is this gonna work??
Dear 15-year-olds these days,
When I was your age, I was raising babies, not Pokemon! Get your life together, you old maids.
Dear bird outside my window,
Please shut the fuck up. It is 2 in the goddamn morning, and some of us, like me perhaps, are trying to sleep. I get it, you are going against the grain and be a fucking nocturnal bird instead of a normal sweet diurnal bird, but you need to shut the hell up. I do not know what kind of bird cocain or bird amphetamines you are on to stay awake all night but not all of us have access to bird drug dealers and so we do not have the energy that you seem to have. If you refuse to shut up, then I shall make it my mission that every time I see you sleeping in that tiny little nest in the tree outside my window I will scream at you and wake your fat feathery ass up so you will understand what it feels like to have some annoying bitch squawking at you when you are trying to sleep. That is all.
Dear world,
I wear stripes so that I am not spotted.
Dear USB,
Are you the backup plan for when the USA fails?
Dear teenagers,
Romeo and Juliet had sex, and then they DIED.
Dear Readers,
Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to go down on you. And you're gonna love it. But it's only going to be long enough for you to start enjoying it, then I'm going to come back up and screw you, big time.
Dear Pokemon Go Creators,
Thanks for creating a game that brought my child hood back to life.
Dear people slamming Selena Gomez,
Please remember that last month Christina Grimmie, a dear friend of hers, was murdered by a hateful, psychotic person. OF COURSE she's going to defend Taylor from hatred, regardless of whether Taylor's innocent or not.
Dear Now Ex-Boyfriend,
Please understand that I actually had faith in us, and 24 hours is not long enough to get over a two year relationship.
Dear people of the internet,
I really need a hug. I'd turn to my family, but they/we're not the physical or emotional sort of people, and it is just downright pathetic to have to ask... not to mentioned it will be rather half-hearted from their side. But life isn't very good right now and I need a hug bad. And a cookie.
Dear Guy I Am Dating,
Please be gentle with me because I like you a lot, and you have the potential to hurt me more than anyone else before you.