Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear boys,
We'll stop playing hard to get when you stop playing hard to want.
Dear world,
My goal is to survive five apocalypses.
Dear cannibals,
When you eat comedians, do they taste funny?
Dear Americans,
You live in a country where the pizza man will arrive quicker than the ambulance... and you make fun of us?
Dear people in passing cars,
Please stop honking at runners. It doesn't make us feel sexy, it actually just scares the crap out of us.
Dear Annie,
Yeah... Looks like it's going to rain tomorrow too.
Dear Americans,
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in ENGLISH, thank a veteran.
Dear large heavily tattooed and and scary-looking man on the train,
Thanks for calling me "Miss" and offering your seat.
Dear Venus shaving commercials for women,
You're shaving a hairless leg.
Dear Victoria's Secret,
I came in for a bra, not a pillow.
Dear women buying a box of tampons, three king-sized chocolate bars, a jar of peanut butter and "The Notebook",
I feel your pain.
Dear smartphone users,
When life gives you lemons...chop the crap out of them. They're worth a lot of points.
Dear parents,
Please stop using the whole "you created me" thing to win me over. That was your fault.
Dear cat,
How do you still have fur on you?
Dear extreme feminists,
Please don't tell me that I can be anything I choose and then berate me for choosing to be a stay-at-home mom.
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