Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear friends in community college,
Please don't tell me that I'm "lucky" to be going to a renowned private college. I worked really hard to get there.
Dear vegetarians,
I eat the cows which produce the methane gas causing global warming. You eat the plants trying to fix global warming.
Dear Chuck Norris,
I'm sorry to break it to you, but you died 10 years ago. I just never worked up the courage to tell you.
Dear smart car owner,
Look, I'm really sorry about the huge dent on your front bumper.
Dear optimistic girlfriends,
You do realize he isn't pausing his video game to text you right? It's called waiting to re-spawn.
Dear girls who wear thongs with leggings,
The fact that we can not only see your underwear but easily discern its color defeats the whole "no panty line" thing.
Dear moms,
Forever 45 is next door.
Dear everyone,
I don't care if you're Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Atheist. I just came here to have a laugh, not see people insulting each other because of their beliefs.
Dear Hollister,
How am I a small in every other store and an XL in yours?
Dear mom,
Stop freaking out, the freezer will not go from freezing to tropical in five seconds.
Dear girls,
Can you have those "sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on" days more often? It makes you look way more beautiful than having on all that crap you call makeup.
Dear rude customers,
If you think you can do better, use the self check out.
Dear condom,
Please stop breaking. We're running out of "J" names.
Dear Freud,
I think we should discuss that whole "Oedipus Complex" thing you came up with...
Dear movie theaters,
Please tell me you are donating to a worthy cause.
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