Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear Jack Sparrow,
Please, tell me how you manage to look so gorgeous at age 48 with guyliner on.
Dear sexist boys,
Scientists discovered a way to make artificial semen in labs.
Dear Facebook,
Hello. My name is Google+. You killed myspace. Prepare to die.
Dear dentist,
Sorry about that punch in the face...
Dear "think before you speak",
You have been replaced...
Dear awkwardly placed bathroom mirror,
I really don't want to watch myself pee...
Dear officer,
I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive...
Dear mom,
You really don't know why I'm laughing? You picked up a banana and asked it, "You're a big boy aren't you?"
Dear friend who said they'd give me a million dollars when Hell freezes over,
There's a place in Norway called Hell. Looked it up.
Dear middle schoolers,
I refuse to believe I was like you at that age.
Dear hair in water,
Thanks for making me feel like a mermaid...
Dear Waldo,
Wait! In Germany you're called Walter and in France you're Charlie?
Dear girl in my class,
The rule "less is more" applies to everything but clothing.
Dear stressed-out college students,
Bubble wrap.
Dear Parents,
You keep saying "when I was your age I didn't have that technology and had to go outside and play." But you don't feel comfortable with me walking across town, going on a bike ride alone, or going to the park with friends without texting me every five minutes. Trust me, if I had the freedom to do much outside I would.
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