Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear "pretty girls",
I love watching your face when I say, "Did it hurt when you fell from..." and then proceed to say, instead of Heaven, "...the whore tree and bang every guy on the way down?".
Dear Stomach,
You participating in our class discussions isn't helping anyone. Thanks.
Dear guys who hate Twilight,
So I'm the gay one when I just went to a movie theatre full of girls and got half of their numbers?
Dear School,
Please salt your sidewalks.
Dear world,
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
Dear Harry Potter fans,
Harry was a descendant of the 3rd brother from the group who made the Deathly Hallows. Voldemort was a descendant of the 2nd brother. This means that Harry and Voldemort were distant cousins.
Dear high schoolers,
You know how you hate those annoying twelve-yr-olds trying to be cool? That's how we feel about you.
Dear Crying Girl,
What's wrong? Heartbreak? Rejection? Cheating boyfriend? Wishing you could go back to December?
Dear Judgmental Idiots,
Just because I'm slim, fashionably dressed, have a slicked-back hairdo, and a sexy accent, does not mean that I'm gay.
Dear Math Teacher,
Please stop playing the Titanic theme song during our tests
Dear dog food companies with all natural ingredients real meat and vegetables,
My dog just ate a bunch of cicadas and half a pop-tart I dropped on the ground.
Dear Nerds,
You were right.
Dear 6 year old girl I'm babysitting,
Your comments make TV worth watching again.
Dear Pocket,
You've managed to unlock my iPhone and beat my high score on temple run.
Dear dog I left at home for an hour,
Why would you eat the heel out of my sock, my sister's cellphone, 3 pine cones, and somehow the cat door?
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