Dear DBPB,
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
Dear Al Sharpton,
Please shut up. You're not improving race relations; you're making them worse.
Dear parents,
Thank you for always telling me throughout my life that you would pay for my college education. I see a lot of young people absolutely drowning in student loan debt and I'm glad that thanks to you, that won't be me in ten years.
Dear girl who called me fat,
I may be fat now, but I can change. You will always be mean.
Dear lady that looked at me weird at the store,
No, I'm not emo.
Dear Mysterious Bruise,
Please tell me how you ended up on my arm
Dear Bratty Teenagers,
No, your parents are not trying to ruin your life by asking you be home by 10 o'clock.. they just want you safe.
Dear Cosmo,
Please kindly take your ideas of "plus size" and shove them up your ass sideways.
Dear Elsa,
The answer to controlling your powers is love. Now go have a decent childhood with your sister.
Dear financial aid office,
Thanks for letting me know i'm not qualified for aid until AFTER i've already decided this was where i wanted to go. We just sold the car to pay for our down payment.
Dear things that can't be found with Google on the first few pages,
Hello. Care to join our club?
Dear jerk that keeps parking in my spot at work,
Please keep your car out of my spot. Oh and lace up your Nike's you have got to run to catch upp with the tow truck
Dear Supposed friends,
Please stop noticing all my flaws. I see them too.
Dear best guy friend,
I love you so much. You are the older brother I never had. You're always there to listen to me whine, but you'll call me out on my bullshit when I need to be put in my place. You make a fantastic pillow, and I'll always return the favor. Even though I've only known you for seven or eight years, you know me better than my own parents do. So thank you for understanding that "no," doesn't mean "I hate you."
Dear Graphic Designers,
Y U No Understand Us?
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