Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear person outside the bathroom stall,
Calm down, I just took a screenshot of a picture on Facebook. My volume just happened to be on loud..
Dear Tiny sweet baby of mine,
You are, literally, smaller than your daddy's foot, how do you poop so much?
Dear pervy guys staring at me as I eat my Popsicle,
*CRUNCH*
Dear world,
My aim is to keep the toilets clean, your aim helps
Dear Mayans,
Thank you for teaching me that if you don't finish something, it really isn't the end of the world
Dear "roses are red, violets are blue",
False. Violets are violet by nature, and roses, depending on their genotype, can be a variety of colors.
Dear person who just rear-ended me,
Thank you for singing "like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!" When we got out.
Dear guy friends,
Please don't be scared to go to the gay bar with us.
Dear mom,
No, the printed and labeled diagram of a penis that I left on the kitchen counter was not for my enjoyment.
Dear Peter pan,
You call it pixie dust, I call it crack!
Dear scarred teenage girl,
All of my clothes were in the laundry...
Dear Woman,
It's not small, it's fun size...
Dear people who ask me how I get good grades,
My blood type is A positive...
Dear "those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it",
This saying just got a whole new meaning...
Dear awkwardly named nail polishes,
My history says I looked at a page named "dirty slut"
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