Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear 11:11,
You owe me a boyfriend, a pony, and an acceptance letter to Hogwarts.
Dear "my lips are frozen",
You just gave me an excuse to kiss you
Dear mom doing the dishes,
Can I just slip this dirty dish in the sink real faaaaast...
Dear teenage couple making out in the car next to mine,
Forget you. Being single is awesome. Watch me stuff this big piece of bread into my mouth unattractively because I've got no one to impress.
Dear people who poke the glass when picking toppings at Subway,
I know what lettuce is...
Dear "guns kill people",
Yeh... Spoons make people fat, and pens misspell words.
Dear mosquitoes,
Thanks for that...
Dear "You're too young to be married",
Not really your problem, is it?
Dear bathroom stall makers,
Sound proof stalls.
Dear Snow White,
So you taught little girls around the world that if your step-mom is mean to you, run away to live with seven little men, and your prince will come find you.
Dear guy at the car dealership,
When you said that the car that I chose "would be great during a zombie apocalypse," I knew it was the car for me.
Dear girls who wear lots of glitter eyeshadow,
You leave me no choice but to rate you from Ke$ha to Edward.
Dear people who go to the bathroom just to get out of class,
Gee, thanks. Now they won't let anyone else go.
Dear smart student in my class,
I'm sorry I keep putting below average students next to you so they can cheat off your paper.
Dear host,
The first rule of having people at your place is to make sure the bathrooms have toilet paper. Seriously.
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