Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear nurses assisting on my operation,
I told you it was "that time of month" so you could help me get to the bathroom after I woke up... not so you could change my pad while I was still unconscious.
Dear doctors,
I don't care how old I am, or that you had to pin me down. Shots will never stop hurting!
Dear person who asked, "are you two sisters?",
Yes, my Asian best friend is definitely a part of this white family...
Dear dad,
I found your Batman spikes on the counter... So that's where you go at night!
Dear Shakespeare,
So it's a boy playing a girl pretending to be a boy who acts like a girl...
Dear people everywhere,
How would you like it if I turned you on and left?
Dear Bruno Mars,
I liked your hands better when they were catching grenades.
Dear teacher,
Just because you're helping the kid next to me does not mean you get to wave your butt in my face.
Dear robber,
Please don't steal people's money that's our job!
Dear human,
I agree, I hate finals too. Let me help you by tearing up all of your notes. Hope you didn't need those...
Dear mom,
I'm wearing skinny jeans. If I can't get them off, neither can the rapist.
Dear phone,
Please do not ring when you're stuck in my shirt.
Dear Luke,
I AM YOUR FATHER...
Dear life,
Please explain why everyone calls you a female dog.
Dear reader,
Did you know that it's legal for women to be topless in Liverpool, England only if they work at tropical fish stores?
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