Dear awkwardly named nail polishes,
My history says I looked at a page named "dirty slut"
Just one question. How do you get that t-shirt over your head?
Sincerely, that's not possible.
Dear Mr. Pibb,
What, couldn't handle med school?
Sincerely, Dr. Pepper
Dear fellow actors in my high school drama department,
Thank you so much for this award. It means a lot to me.
Sincerely, "Most Soulful Ginger"
Please. Trojan extra-large condoms are made to fit most regular sized men to boost their confidence and ensure further purchased.
Sincerely, don't get so cocky next time.
Dear Scoop Neck Shirts,
Thank you for acting as a net for food I drop
Sincerely, I <3 Cleavage Corn
Dear Yankee Candle,
Seriously? Candles for men?
Sincerely, and what exactly is a touchdown supposed to smell like?
Why did you betray me?!
Sincerely, why did you tell me it'd be a good idea to see what baby formula tastes like?
Dear people who take Bible verse out of context,
Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.
Sincerely, Mike Wazowski
Dear WebMD symptom checker,
Wow. I just have a stomach ache.
Sincerely, "foreign object in the rectum"
Dear "You're Beautiful size 2 or 22.",
Well this sucks.
Sincerely, Size 23
I love when you curl up next to me and fall asleep like this! You are so warm and cute and sweet and... what's that smell?
Sincerely, Thanks for farting on the car ride!
Dear girl who turned around right as I looked at her butt,
Maybe if I just keep staring she'll think I'm spacing out or something..
Sincerely, crap, this isn't working...
Dear boys who wear skinny jeans,
You took the phrase 'getting into her pants' the wrong way
Sincerely, girls everywhere