Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear neighbor with a black eye,
You called my autistic little brother a retard?
Dear workers,
"Hey boss, I'm going to be late for work today because my car won't start. Apparently a signifant piece is missing from the ignition switch up near the dash board. Sorry." Sounds better than, "Hey boss, I lost my keys."
Dear boyfriend who pauses Call of Duty to text me back,
Please continue making my friends jealous.
Dear Amazon,
Thank you so much for slashing that price! I could really use the extra cash you're saving me!
Dear English teacher,
Thank you for calling America a free country and then letting me sit on the window sill for the duration of class.
Dear "how long have you guys been twins",
I don't know, since we've been born.
Dear Self,
Please make sure the people around you know you play violin next time you say, "My G-string broke in class..."
Dear virgins,
You think YOU'RE becoming extinct? Please.
Dear dentist,
Please don't say uh-oh while working on my mouth...
Dear British boys in the row in front of me,
WHY ARE YOU NOT MORE TALKATIVE!?
Dear people who make fun of me for being single,
I'm not single. I'm simply in a long distant relationship with my boyfriend who is in the future.
Dear amazing boyfriend,
Please tell me that when I jokingly said "you'd have to marry me" and you said "challenge accepted", you were being serious.
Dear curious patient,
I think it was at the beginning of my teen years.
Dear McDonalds,
Buying a salad from you is like asking a whore for a hug.
Dear vegetarians,
Ever thought of calling yourselves herbivores? Sounds a bit cooler...
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