Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear former high school peers,
They're/there/their; you're/your; to/two/too. These are homophones. Please learn how to use them.
Dear boy from P.E.,
What hurt more, when I intoduced your back to the ground, or the ball to your face?
Dear Walmart,
Please open up about 20 more checkout lanes.
Dear guys,
Please, tell me one time a pick up line has ever worked.
Dear U.S. Government,
You should change your emblem from an eagle to a condom, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives everyone a sense of security while you're being screwed.
Dear boys,
You were put in the friend zone because you made no indication you wanted to be anything more. Try harder.
Dear college,
Please reconsider painting the library walls during finals week. Seriously.
Dear vegetarians,
Please realize that we climbed to the top of the food chain for a reason.
Dear man at the gym who keeps stealing my water bottle,
Please enjoy the estrogen supplements. They should catch up to you in day or two.
Dear corporate franchises,
First I get crisps in my bag of air, and now coke in my cup of ice?!
Dear world,
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is found in only one.
Dear hormones,
Please give me big boobs, not big zits.
Dear Easter Bunny,
You're a mammal that lays eggs? There is no way you're a bunny.
Dear cashier at the grocery,
Why yes, I did have a very rough day. Thank you for noticing.
Dear boyfriend,
I really can't help it if I kick you in the face when you tickle me.
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