Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear York Peppermint Patties,
Is the girl in your commercial eating your product or having an orgasm? I just ate an entire box and got nothing from it.
Dear everyone who doesn't understand the average mind,
Snuggies rule, ninjas are going to attack you in your sleep, Santa will bring you no presents this year, and the unicorns refuse to be in your company because your imaginations are too limited to see their majestic ways,and don't call our favorite stuff stupid, or else Voldemort will come and Avada Kedavra you.
Dear student,
Even if you do use spell check, please proof-read.
Dear teen vampire TV shows and movies,
If you take away the fangs and the make-up, you're really just big snarling people making funny faces.
Dear neighborhood,
I don't think having an ice cream parlor next to a pub is a good idea...
Dear spider,
I know that you're plotting my murder up in that corner right now.
Dear roommates,
Please stop reading so much Harry Potter. It has apparently lead you to believe that we have a house elf that goes around taking out the trash, washing the dishes, paying the bills, and unloading the dishwasher.
Dear MTV,
Weren't you supposed to be about music?
Dear shirtless guy's Facebook profile pic,
We wanna see a 6 pack, not your keg.
Dear Ke$ha,
Do you actually right your name as Ke$ha on your taxes? Or is it Kedollarsignha.
Dear emotions ,
Thanks for the business.
Dear people of the future,
Calm down! There isn't an apocalypse, we were just incredibly bored scratching a calendar out on a rock day after day.
Dear student,
Please don't wave a stack of money in my face and tell me you went to a strip club the night before; clearly, I'm going to think you earned that money on the pole; just saying...
Dear teacher de Español,
Gracias for teaching me mucho this año. Yo estoy ready for Cancún, Mexico this Spring Break!
Dear people I just met on vacation,
I don't know your Aunt Sue; just because we both live in Maine.
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