Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear person checking behind the curtain for serial killers,
DO YOU MIND?!?
Dear best friend,
I hate to break it to you, but porn is not the abbreviation for popcorn
Dear Teachers,
Please. Never. Ever. Ever. Ever wear a lacy hot pink thong and a pair of white shorts on field day.
Dear Leonardo DiCaprio,
I know you'll play a good Gatsby, but will you play a Great Gatsby?
Dear Testicles,
Thank you for not bleeding every month. You're the best!
Dear Tim Burton,
Why do you always have me killing your wife in movies?
Dear Middle School Health Teacher,
Thank you for teaching me how to put a condom on a banana. Thanks to your guidance, I always make sure to get a banana out of my fruit bowl and put a condom on it every time before I have sex. That way, I know I'm safe.
Dear vending machine,
You're so homophobic
Dear guy friends who just decided to search my purse,
Congrats, you found my tampon stash.
Dear Health Teacher,
Thank you for informing us that "Consuming too much alcohol usually causes you to vomit out of your mouth."
Dear proactiv,
You can get rid of Dark Marks? I can do that too!
Dear guy that asked me if I was free tonight,
Darn right I'm free.
Dear silent classroom,
LET ME SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE.
Dear Nicki Minaj,
I thought I saw you once on a street corner in New York and freaked out.
Dear Chemists,
Please stop discussing our attraction to one another. It's embarrasing.
THIS IS PAGE 5
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