Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear scientists,
According to the latest figures, 43% of all statistics are utterly worthless.
Dear vegetarian wearing a leather jacket,
Do you realize what leather is?
Dear McDonalds,
Thank you for not serving hotdogs. I don't think I could order a super-sized McWeiner with a straight face.
Dear Twitter,
Thanksforteachingmetoreadwithoutspaces.
Dear world,
Did you know it's impossible to say "good eye might" without sounding Australian?
Dear school,
I'm secretly hoping you're actually on fire every time we have a fire drill.
Dear William and Kate,
If William is 100% royal and Kate is 0% royal, will your son be the Half-Blood Prince?
Dear person walking into the bathroom,
When you yell "It smells like poop in here," you have no idea how much I want to yell back "NO DUH!"
Dear sister who drank out of the milk carton with flavored chap stick on,
Oh my! That was gross.
Dear dog,
I wish you could talk.
Dear GPS,
I love when you take me down scary back country roads as a "shortcut," it just makes the trip so much more exciting!
Dear people of America,
I am a white, straight, gun-owning, conservative male.
Dear retainer,
How did you get under my bed exactly?
Dear family,
Hate to break it to you, but my favorite part about coming home is being able to poop in private.
Dear person,
Let's flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose.
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