Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyAttack of the CuteGrouchy Rabbit
Dear roommate,
Please stop using PMS as an excuse for your behavior. Every other woman I know is perfectly capable of being a rational human being regardless of where she is in her hormonal cycle. Besides, what's your excuse for being a dick the rest of the month?
Dear mom,
Please don't make me do all the chores in the house, I already sweep, mop, wash the dishes, and walk all three of our dogs twice a day. You have two other daughters who do literally nothing all day.
Dear Kids,
Please let me tell you how wonderful both of you are, how you've made my life more amazing than I could ever have imagined, how much I loved taking care of you as Mr. Mom for all those, how I would do anything for you, and how I hope for your continued health, happiness and success.
Dear Friends and Family,
Through my ENTIRE life, all the way up to college you told me to get an Art and Writing degree. You were insistent "It will be such a waste if you don't go into art!". Now I have the degree and all you can say is "What will you do with that?""Oh, you can't make a career out of a hobby.". You won't even visit my website. Please, withhold your scrutinizing comments. You talked me into this.
Dear woman at the Front Desk of the court house,
Thank you for referring me even though you do not know me personally. You listening to my story as to why I wanted this job so badly and because of you, I recieve a phone call today that I got the Job.
Dear Prob & Stats professor,
Thank you for being willing to listen this semester. We understand it's your first time teaching upper level math and we appreciate you listening to our feedback on the class.
Dear World.,
Please stop stereotyping Jamaica as being filed with weed addicts and drunkards. It's real annoying.
Dear speeding drivers who tailgate me with their high beams on and think they can crowd me into speeding up,
Please realize you can't force me to drive faster. You're really just going to make me go slower because you're blinding me. Are you really in that much of a hurry that you need to put everyone else on the road in danger?
Dear family I barely know,
Please know that just because we're family it doesn't mean you can pick up my son whenever you feel like it. Strangers scare him, telling him you're his uncle/cousin/aunt isn't going to calm him down. Also, I just met you guys, stop assuming because I'm nineteen with a toddler I don't know what's best for him. Right now, you're strangers to us both, keep it up and you'll stay that way.
Dear people of the internet,
A PSA: If you get drunk and have sex with another drunk person, that's not rape, that's just bad decision making because they couldn't consent either. If you are ever in the regrettable position of wishing you hadn't done that, please don't try to report it as a rape because that's how we create a culture where actual rape victims get dismissed as lying. I'm sorry you're embarrassed, but handle it like a grownup.
Dear jerks at school,
She shouldn't have had to transfer schools because of how much you tormented her for getting pregnant. She's amazing and can't you see how much she's going through? Why make her go through it alone?
Dear Mom,
Please teach me how to cook like you. I'll be in college soon and Ramen noodles are nothing compared to your legendary mac & cheese. (Seriously, how do you make it so amazing?!)
Dear anyone and everyone reading this,
you are awesome and deserve a piece of pizza.
Dear girl who asked me what a VHS is,
I think my heart just died while I tried to explain what it was to you.
Dear mother,
Please understand that even though you hate your husband, I don't hate my father. You got off the phone after doing nothing but screaming obscenities and told me he got in a wreck. Then, when I asked if he was okay, yelled at me for asking and said you didn't care. Don't get mad that I called until someone answered.