Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear "there's plenty of fish in the sea",
Well that's cool, but I'm a human.
Dear friend getting yelled at from their parent,
Should I... go or... something?
Dear people who like "anything but country",
So if I start blasting my broadway showtunes, you'll rock out with me?
Dear upset lesbians,
My disgusted look wasn't because you were holding hands, it was because your dog was about to eat a dead squirrel.
Dear Facebook couples,
When it's complicated its over...
Dear person walking in front of me,
No, please, walk a little slower. It's always been my life's ambition to feel as though I'm stalking someone.
Dear Rapunzel,
Have you ever considered making a contribution?
Dear fire drills,
Why do we have to be quiet? Will the fire hear us?
Dear best friend,
Yeah, I heard you. So you still up for hanging out this weekend?
Dear companies with unintentionally humorous product names,
If you say it to a 15 year old boy and he starts giggling, you need a new name.
Dear little brother,
Yes, I will pretend to be a unicorn for your game of Harry Potter. No, I will not be named Mr. Horny.
Dear people who tell me that I "dress well for my size",
The qualifier wasn't necessary.
Dear people who say "you're making a mountain out of a molehill",
Who's to say you're not making a molehill out of a mountain?
Dear teachers who say things like "You should have learned this in the seventh grade!",
We obviously didn't. Teach us how to do it so that we can pass the test, and then please inform your boss that someone else hasn't done their job properly.
Dear girls who make fun of my small chest,
I am not flat, I am aerodynamic.
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