Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear person who made names for phobias,
Please explain why the fear of words spelled the same backwards and forwards is "aibohphobia."
Dear world,
Chicken definitely comes first.
Dear officer,
No, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.
Dear women from Thailand,
I'll never be able to look at you the same way again.
Dear world,
I may not be able to lick my elbow, but I can lick yours.
Dear shower,
I love how hot you get when I turn you on.
Dear ABC Family,
What part of family don't you get?
Dear Facebook,
How did it taste when you sucked out my soul?
Dear movie producers,
Not all teens party and get plastered every day of the week.
Dear Twihards,
Go jump off a cliff.
Dear teacher who "reads our essays",
The end of the civil war was incredibly fajita to our civilization for many flappwoggadoo reasons.
Dear lawn gnome,
I... don't... remember putting you in the living room.
Dear Osama,
I warned you not to use "get current location" on your iPhone.
Dear Secret Life of an American Teenager,
My secret life consists of me not brushing my teeth; not getting pregnant.
Dear girls who intend to get implants,
Prepare to say goodbye to cute bras, tank tops, halters, strapless dresses, and days free of back pain. Say hello to granny bras, knocking things over when you turn, and Advil.
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