Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear Lifetime Channel,
Hi, I'm a man. I don't think women are objects. I can admit when I've made a mistake. I'm not violent, and I've never hit a woman, nor will I ever. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't make my entire gender out to be sociopathic cavemen who hit first and then hit again.
Dear substitute teachers,
We can smell fear.
Dear baby back ribs,
Why don't we eat their front ribs too?
Dear Little Mermaid,
Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me.
Dear automatic doors,
Thank you for making me feel like a jedi.
Dear men with long beards,
Do you have to shampoo that thing?
Dear narcissistic boys,
I'm not playing hard-to-get. I just really don't like you.
Dear pill bottle companies,
Please make your bottles child-proof, not people-proof.
Dear Rihanna,
I've been getting some pretty mixed signals since that new song of yours came out.
Dear boys in my health class who said "eww" when the plus size model came on,
And you wonder why girls starve themselves?
Dear people who claim nerds never have fun,
Right... well have fun getting drunk and pregnant. I'll be having boring ninja battles and wizard duels if you need me.
Dear boyfriends,
There are no excuses now that Facebook gives you a week's notice of your anniversary.
Dear airports,
Tan skin and a unique last name doesn't make me a terrorist.
Dear neuroscience professor,
We are learning that sleep is essential for optimal brain function, yet I am getting no sleep because of your class.
Dear people from 50+ years ago,
Awkward silences without pretending to text? Doing homework without Wikipedia? Getting to know someone without social networks?
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