Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear "I'm not drunk!",
You threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"
Dear squirrel in my yard,
Just because you froze in place, doesn't mean you're invisible.
Dear people who refer to themselves as "Grammar Nazis",
You do know what the Nazis did, right?
Dear diary,
Today is the 457th day of my captivity here. I tried to trip my captors by winding around their feet... tomorrow I must try it at the top of the stairs.
Dear sun,
Just gonna stand there and watch us burn?
Dear boys,
We'll stop playing hard to get when you stop playing hard to want.
Dear world,
My goal is to survive five apocalypses.
Dear cannibals,
When you eat comedians, do they taste funny?
Dear Americans,
You live in a country where the pizza man will arrive quicker than the ambulance... and you make fun of us?
Dear people in passing cars,
Please stop honking at runners. It doesn't make us feel sexy, it actually just scares the crap out of us.
Dear Annie,
Yeah... Looks like it's going to rain tomorrow too.
Dear Americans,
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in ENGLISH, thank a veteran.
Dear large heavily tattooed and and scary-looking man on the train,
Thanks for calling me "Miss" and offering your seat.
Dear Venus shaving commercials for women,
You're shaving a hairless leg.
Dear Victoria's Secret,
I came in for a bra, not a pillow.
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