Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
Dear annoying people,
Please stop opening your mouths. All that hot air is speeding up global warming.
Dear girls,
Just because I'm gay doesn't mean you can tell me about your period. In fact, it's more of a reason not to.
Dear dad,
On a scale of Tupac to Osama Bin Laden, how dead is that spider?
Dear drunk me,,
Please don't delete your drunken texts anymore. I need to know who to apologize to and for what in the morning.
Dear Taylor Swift,
He's got a one-hand-feel on the steering wheel, the other on your... where?!
Dear little brother,
Thank you for telling me "beautiful people get hurt too."
Dear fat people who photoshop their heads onto bodies of models,
You missed the double chin...
Dear teachers everywhere,
There is no reason to say "H T T P, colon, foward slash, forward slash, W W W" before giving us the name of a website.
Dear World,
We know skinny jeans reduce sperm count... thats why we wear them.
Dear person driving the other way who flashed their brights to warn me of the cop ahead,
You are my favorite.
Dear elephant,
I whip my hair back and forth... you jelly?
Dear Febreze,
I owe you $20 in quarters.
Dear mom,
Unless you want me to embarrass you and start screaming "RAPE," please get me a female doctor.
Dear kids on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?,
What school did you all attend?!
Dear Smart Water,
Is there a minimum intelligence level required to drink this?
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