Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear rappers,
Please stop putting sirens in your songs. It scares me when I am driving!
Dear Lower 48,
Please remember that there are FIFTY States! How about you start including us in sweepstakes and shipping options! Are you with me Hawaii?
Dear ladies,
If your man only wants your breasts, legs and thighs send him to KFC.
Dear mother nature,
Please take your monthly gift and shove it.
Dear parents,
You clapped when I said my first words and learned to walk. Now all you say is to shut up and sit down.
Dear world,
If you make hipsters popular, they'll have to stop being hipsters.
Dear Candace,
Why dont you just take a picture of Phineas and Ferb?
Dear girls,
If you know that you get cold at nighttime, why don't you ever bring your jacket?
Dear manly 6 foot 7 older brother,
.... you do know I can hear you singing from outside the bathroom door, right?
Dear guy friend,
I pinky swear I can handle running by a bunch of guys in a sports bra and shorts. They won't rape me. I've seen too much Miss Congeniality for that!
Dear Neutrogena,
Pimples may disappear, but eye color doesn't change.
Dear pessimists and optimists,
Look at the glass... Now it's wine!
Dear boys who wear skinny jeans with belts halfway down their butts,
What's the point? The belt has no use.
Dear sheep I saw huddled together in a pasture off the side of the road,
So, what's the game plan?
Dear cop behind me,
Please turn, please turn, please turn!!!
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