Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
SORT BY
TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear straight men,
Just because I am gay, doesn't mean I am attracted to you. I actually think most of you are quite hideous. Hope my honesty makes you feel better...
Dear Kindle,
You know what else you can read in the sunlight without a glare?
Dear death,
Please reincarnate me as a bear. They eat for half a year, sleep for half a year, and aren't awake for child birth.
Dear people who make fun of me because I babysit for money,
I get to play dress up, use coloring books, watch Disney Movies, eat PB&J sandwiches, play on the playground, and THEN I get free access to their internet and junk food.
Dear male co-workers with whom we share a bathroom,
Please note: Seat up = OK. Toilet not flushed = Not OK. Seat up and toilet not flushed = REALLY not OK.
Dear bra,
You are not an appropriate wallet.
Dear really big guy at the tattoo parlor with so many tattoos and piercings,
Thank you for asking my friend if her purse was a Vera Bradley and perfectly naming the style
Dear jerks shouting obscenities from their car,
Why yes, I am a homo sapien. Thank you for your keen observation!
Dear boy dancing with me,
Roses are red, violets are blue, if you grab my butt, I'll punch you.
Dear people who write papers the day before they are due and get A's,
TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!
Dear teenage Facebook users,
Did you think that you were uploading your photos to a Playboy audition?
Dear bald people,
Do you wash your head with shampoo or soap?
Dear women who like "a man in uniform",
Does my black and white, striped uniform turn you on?
Dear baby fat,
Please migrate to my boobs soon.
Dear parents,
How can I "shoot for the stars" and be "down to earth" at the same time?
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