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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear Twilight,
Please stop pretending Edward vs. Jacob is about choosing between two guys. One is a vampire and the other is a werewolf. It's more like necrophilia vs. bestiality.
Dear random person who just asked if I was emo,
I wear mostly black and don't talk much...
Dear rock,
You go after scissors, I'll cover you.
Dear multiple choice test,
...Why are the first eleven answers B?
Dear teenagers,
Don't have sex; you will get pregnant, and die.
Dear humans,
How can you sweat like us when we don't sweat?
Dear Bella Swan,
Depression hurts. Cymbalta can help.
Dear Facebook attention suckers,
Please stop making statuses about how ugly you are so other people will try and prove you wrong.
Dear burglar,
Please know that that "purse" you just stole was actually a diaper bag.
Dear Rebecca and Jacob,
You are a disgrace to the name.
Dear internet,
Please stop with the talking ads that start on their own.
Dear 'when life gives you lemons',
Squeeze them in the wounds of your enemies.
Dear optimists,
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
Dear mom,
Thanks for yelling at me throughout my whole childhood, it makes my former marine corps lacrosse coach look like he was talking to me sweetly.
Dear gummy worms,
If I cut you in half, will you grow a new body?
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