Dear Jehovah's Witness,
Yes, my car (which was in my driveway) door was unlocked. However, that is NOT an open invitation to open my car and leave one of your pamphlets on family life on my console.
Sincerely, creeped out.
Thanks for being there for me when Pocket wasn't.
Sincerely, Cell Phone.
Dear people who want flying cars,
That'd be cool, but you could probably only fly them in special areas, and you'd probably need special training, and specific fuel, and they'd probably be super expensive . . .
Sincerely, oh wait, PLANES.
Dear person trying to push a pull door,
Sincerely, just tried to pull a push door.
Dear people losing sleep,
Tired? There's a nap for that.
Dear male wrestlers,
You really chose the wrong sport...
Sincerely, male cheerleaders.
My whole world revolves around you.
Sincerely, a person on earth.
Dear self-conscious teen,
Whenever you're feeling down, just remember: YOU were the fastest sperm.
Dear neighbor looking out the window at the wrong moment,
Well. This just got awkward.
Sincerely, dancing alone in the kitchen.
Dear movie theater usher,
What do you mean my bag smells like fast food?
Sincerely, I have no idea what you're talking about...
Dear board games,
Sorry, I can't.
Sincerely, just saw Jumanji.
I apologize for missing the toilet seat so much. I'm a shotgun, not a sniper.
Sincerely, your trajectionally-challenged brother.
Dear Stephen King,
You're a jerk.
Sincerely, scared to go to sleep.
Dear smart water,
Please is there a minimum intelligence level required to drink this?
Sincerely, I can't open the lid.