Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear one-year-old brother,
You are staring right at me. I can see you taking that chocolate chip cookie. Yes, even though you are slowly backing away, I can still see you. No, putting it into your mouth and chewing as slowly as you can does not help. Ah ha! Finally noticed I caught you, didn't you? Wait, what are you...? Oh, this cookie is for me? Is this our agreement not to tell mom?
Dear girl who keeps taking mirror pics,
It loses its effect when your Super Jumbo Tampons box is in clear view.
Dear teenage girl who lives next door,
If the robbers didn't know you were home alone before, they do now.
Dear lady who's giving me a pedicure,
Its not helpful to have a conversation almost entirely in Chinese and then say 'ugly feet' in English.
Dear John Mayer and Adele,
Please become a couple.
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