Dear Carrie Underwood,
We give you props, but next time maybe you shouldn't carve your name in the seats. It's a dead giveaway.
Sincerely, the police department
Dear two-ply toilet paper,
I guess it's true. You don't really know what you have until it's gone.
Sincerely, college kid with a chaffed butt.
Dear Manufacturers of the Straw,
Please make your straws longer than the bottles
Sincerely, reaching for it with my tongue like a retarded chicken
Dear daughter's prom date,
Come on in, son! Would you like to see my gun and knife collection?
Sincerely, have her home by midnight