Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear WebMD symptom checker,
Wow. I just have a stomach ache.
Dear Pinochio,
So all I have to do is lie?
Dear "c" and "x" keys,
Must you be so close together?
Dear "all white people are racist",
You do realize the irony of the statement, right?
Dear TSA,
Yes, I did fall down the stairs and break my ankle just to hide a bomb in my cast.
Dear Dad...,
Please stop making me do shit I don't want to do. I know you're going through a mid-life crisis and think that we need to renovate every square inch of the house, but I really don't see a reason to waste my time doing it.
Dear Cedric Diggory,
Vampires don't sparkle. 20 points from Hufflepuff!
Dear Mom and Dad,
I should be given an award for buying books and staying in the top of my class instead of partying. Stop saying I'm antisocial and need to get new friends.
Dear extra pounds,
Please learn to let go. Just because you love me doesn't mean I love to lug you around.
Dear boyfriend,
When I suggested we see a scary movie, I thought you were gonna hold ME.
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