Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
SORT BY
TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear mom,
Yes, of course I'm pregnant. What did you expect?
Dear parents,
Just because I eat my burritos sideways doesn't mean you have to stare at me like I have two heads.
Dear girl who I saw wearing my clothes that I left on the bus,
Yeah, that's creepy.
Dear Charmin Brand toilet paper,
Aren't your commercials technically bear porn?
Dear roommate's parents,
Sorry about your daughter's crucifixes and pink unicorns being in such sharp contrast to my phallic Andy Warhol art, foreign vodka advertisements and pictures of Lady Gaga in her underwear.
Dear guy trying to flirt,
Please stop "playfully" hitting me.
Dear midwife who just fainted during my first child's birth,
Where did you go to school!?!?
Dear boy who just asked me to sit on his lap,
Boy you ain't no Santa Claus, I don't wanna be yo ho ho ho!
Dear OCD,
Want to hear a joke?
Dear Apple,
"If you don't have an iphone, you don't have an iphone".
Dear freshly polished coffee table,
Spinning around on my stomach has never been so fun!
Dear homeless person,
I hope you enjoy the brownies I gave you.
Dear now ex-boyfriend,
When I said "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends," I didn't mean literally...
Dear girls,
Roses are red, violets are blue, keep your boobs in your shirt, we'll stop staring at you.
Dear black people wearing dark clothes and jaywalking at night,
I'm not being racist but...really?!
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