Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyAttack of the CuteGrouchy Rabbit
Dear person who told me "don't get pregnant",
Though it's not really your business, I will tell you that my babies light up my world and I would gratefully welcome a half dozen more. I will never tell you that our love life died a bitter death after he raped me, so pregnancy isn't really a concern. Unless, I guess, he does it again.
Dear guys at the supermarket,
I realize my coat covers everything until my mid thighs. Also, I heard your disappointed sighs when I bent over and you saw me wearing hotpants.
Dear Academy of Science,
Please know that I ended up breaking my foot running inside the house to open the letter from your school.
Dear People who keep telling me I'm skinny,
Please stop. I never would have thought I was skinny until you all told me. My eyes see my body much different than yours do, apparently.
Dear girlfriend who just left me for not being a gold star lesbian,
I was 11. He was 30. He didn't really give me an option.
Dear Ambitions,
You always give people what they want and now they're just using you. Please find something that I want.
Dear everyone,
Please remember that sometimes, there is no absolute truth. Many moral, economic, or other issues have many many ways to solve the problem. Sometimes however, there is absolute truth. Such as whether or not God exixts, or natural laws.
Dear girls who think better of a guy who tells you he has "high standards",
Well what else was he going to say? He has low standards?
Dear Pastor,
Please do not EVER make a racist dick joke to me again. I'm a 28-year-old married woman who teaches Sunday school and sings on the worship team. I am not your wife. (Who is a nice lady, by the way!)
Dear Battle Buddy,
Please don't think I'm petty. I'm just a little jealous that I wasn't offered this opportunity, and I'm really gonna miss you, bro.
Dear my brother's (now ex-)wife,
Angry? Why would I be angry? You only accused me of taking advantage of you when you were drunk because my brother realised your youngest child was conceived while he was in hospital for a major operation. You only got me arrested for rape, made my wife divorce me, lost me my job, and ruined my life until someone thought to DNA test your baby. Why should any of that make me angry? But I bet you didn't know I'm an ex-computer hacker.
Dear Steve Jobs,
Please come down from heaven and smite the idiots who are trying to make phablets a thing. Phablets should have been a trend which died long ago, because why the heck are we reverting back to brick phones?!
Dear traffic lights,
Oh, you're changing to orange just as I'm arriving? That's really original. I wasn't expecting that at all.
Dear fellow Earthlings,
Chuck Norris is too overrated. If he's really so awesome, he would show up at my house and slam my face onto the keyboahg7w vctydwscto87kdjsh370dffssssssssssss
Dear High School PE Teacher,
I forgive you but it will never make it acceptable for what you let slide under the rug. You HAD to break me out of a gym locker because girls in my class put me there. But you never had to say, "There's nothing we can do about it because there was no video evidence." Me being pad locked in a tiny locker should have been enough evidence. Not to mention the amount of blood and bruising that was left on my naked body after being raped by the girls who put me in there.