Dear unsuspecting victim,
I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
Sincerely, The Flu
My Pap test was awkward enough without you telling me what a nice job I did shaving..
Dear friend zoned guys,
Think that's bad? Try cousin zoned.
Dear opportunist that drank the half empty glass of "water",
We never said it was water
Sincerely, you just drank arsenic...
Dear "Why is six afraid of seven?",
Because seven is a registered six offender.
Sincerely, and I guess because it ate nine as well.
Dear yoga instructor,
Yes, I see you doing it. No, I still believe it is physically impossible. I heard you say magic words before doing it, I know you're a wizard.
Sincerely, I just want to be able to suck my own... nevermind
Dear scarred teenage girl,
All of my clothes were in the laundry...
Sincerely, man wearing his wife's yoga pants at the grocery store
Please know how awed I was when you came up to the register with condoms, not have enough to pay for them, and come back up with saran wrap and rubber bands.
Sincerely, Made My Day A Whole Lot Better.
Licking my boyfriend's eyelids was not "sexy" and it did not "drive him wild". All it did was confuse him.
Sincerely, Loyal reader who now takes everything with a grain of salt.
Dear Nicki Minaj,
I thought I saw you once on a street corner in New York and freaked out.
Sincerely, but then I did a double take and realized it was just a homeless man screaming at a pigeon.
Dear Last Names,
If you were given to people based on what their jobs were, then where did I come from?
Please don't ever tell me it's good for my face.
Sincerely, your dermatologist girlfriend
Dear Scoop Neck Shirts,
Thank you for acting as a net for food I drop
Sincerely, I <3 Cleavage Corn
Dear physics teacher,
You made my day when, upon hearing me complain that I only got 2 hours of sleep, you told me to get a different boyfriend.
Sincerely, did you just make a sex joke??
Dear Middle School Health Teacher,
Thank you for teaching me how to put a condom on a banana. Thanks to your guidance, I always make sure to get a banana out of my fruit bowl and put a condom on it every time before I have sex. That way, I know I'm safe.
Sincerely, guy who wonders why the vending machines that dispense condoms don't also dispense bananas.