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Dear Harry Potter,
Yes, you are the boy who lived, but he was the twin who died.
Dear Reader,
Did you ever hear the Churchill ordered a plstypus in the middle of WWII to raise moral?
Dear Neville,
Your Grandmother is a blast-ended skank.
Dear Everyone,
Please stop liking things that I don't like and doing things I don't do. That'd be great 'k?
Dear people to whom I send instructions,
Please follow them. When it says to make a wire transfer, make a wire transfer. It you dont know what it is, ask your bank. Or ask me. Do not, I repeat, do not parachute cash money over a random bank. It takes forever to chase your money around and put it back where it belongs.
Dear world,
I'm not racist, but cinnamon muffins are just fan-freaking-tastic.
Dear people,
Please learn that there are only THREE races in the world....they are white, black, and yellow (Asians; their color). All those other words like Indian, Mexican, Brazilian, Latino, Native American, Chinese, Hawaiian, Alaskan, etc describe ethnicity. Not race.
Dear Couples,
Please stop ruining it for the rest of us... U SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Americans,
We're not that fussed about your accent and it annoys us that you refer to ours as 'British'. Are we Welsh?
Dear Christians arguing about creationism in classrooms,
What if we took a science classroom to be that: teaching about the way the natural world appears to our senses. Discussions about minutia like a young earth created to look old etc can happen at home.
Dear ATM,
Please give me my card back. Telling me after you've eaten it that you are out service is not on.
Dear waitress,
I'm not even really offended. I just think it is terribly sad that your experiences have led to your first response to getting a big tip is to tell the customer that you are not a whore.
Dear mom,
Thank you for helping me raise money to move to Tennessee even though you still claim I am three. I know you don't want me to go, but I am ready for this.
Dear advice givers,
Please stop telling me to imagine everyone in the audience naked when I'm nervous about making a speech. That just makes me horny and is not helpful.
Dear Customer,
The fact that you made me make you a tea with not only whipped cream but marshmallows as well makes me feel both queasy and sad.
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