Yes, of course I'm pregnant. What did you expect?
Sincerely, you were at the wedding...
Just because I eat my burritos sideways doesn't mean you have to stare at me like I have two heads.
Sincerely, it's fun to pretend to be a zombie.
Dear girl who I saw wearing my clothes that I left on the bus,
Yeah, that's creepy.
Sincerely, well, I'll be taking those back now...
Dear Charmin Brand toilet paper,
Aren't your commercials technically bear porn?
Sincerely, tee-hee... naked bears!
Dear roommate's parents,
Sorry about your daughter's crucifixes and pink unicorns being in such sharp contrast to my phallic Andy Warhol art, foreign vodka advertisements and pictures of Lady Gaga in her underwear.
Sincerely, this is awkward.
Dear guy trying to flirt,
Please stop "playfully" hitting me.
Sincerely, your knuckle just went into my eye.
Dear midwife who just fainted during my first child's birth,
Where did you go to school!?!?
Sincerely, WAKE UP WAKE UP!!
Dear boy who just asked me to sit on his lap,
Boy you ain't no Santa Claus, I don't wanna be yo ho ho ho!
Sincerely, that might have been the cleverest thing I've ever though of on the spot!
Want to hear a joke?
Sincerely, nevermind, it's probably too dirty...
"If you don't have an iphone, you don't have an iphone".
Sincerely, oh really now?
Dear freshly polished coffee table,
Spinning around on my stomach has never been so fun!
Dear homeless person,
I hope you enjoy the brownies I gave you.
Sincerely, high as a kite.
Dear now ex-boyfriend,
When I said "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends," I didn't mean literally...
Sincerely, a spice girl.
Roses are red, violets are blue, keep your boobs in your shirt, we'll stop staring at you.