Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear class speaker,
Thank you for putting your name on the board. The whole time you were talking I was busy looking you up on Facebook.
Dear Charmin Brand toilet paper,
Aren't your commercials technically bear porn?
Dear autocorrect,
So "brother's truck" get's translated into "mother firetruck!" I was texting my mom. Thanks.
Dear midwife who just fainted during my first child's birth,
Where did you go to school!?!?
Dear roommate,
Your face was priceless!
Dear Rachel,
I can't concentrate on my test when you randomly burst into song to express your feelings.
Dear Harry Potter,
I'm too sexy for my nose, too sexy for my nose, so sexy it hurts... you!
Dear girl who should be de-clawed,
I didn't know finger nails could do that!
Dear gym teacher,
Yeah, of course Narnia's on the Eastern coast of Europe.
Dear school photographers ,
Making us say "grandma's undies" doesn't make us smile anymore; in fact it's kind of creepy...
Dear Kanye West,
Roses are red, violets are blue. If Rebecca Black wins any awards, you know what to do.
Dear girls who only come to our games to check us out in our uniforms,
Please, why do you think we joined the team?
Dear guy friend I went on a vacation with,
I will never forget the sight of you totally sloshed and lying on the bed with the mosquito net net draped around you, asking me "Does this make me look sexy? I look soooo sexy right now."
Dear boys I babysit,
Please stop looking at my belly button when I take you to the water park. I already told you: girls do not pee out of their belly buttons.
Dear parents,
I'm forty years old now, you don't have to interview all the men I date.
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