Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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THIS MONTH
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Dear cat that thinks the stove is a good place to sit,
Please be warned. If you keep sitting there I will have to assume you want to be cooked.
Dear drinker,
I know you want me. You want to suck me, and blow me, and feel my delicious liquid go into your mouth. I'm ready.
Dear waitress,
Why did you bring me a BILL?
Dear police officer,
I'm sorry my cats set off the motion detector... again.
Dear lesbian couple in my class,
So how does this work... you both make sandwiches for each other?
Dear sleeping girlfriend,
I was in the middle of breaking up with you when you dozed off.
Dear Twilight fans,
The closest thing we have to vampires here are mosquitoes.
Dear world,
Did you know that if you're about to sneeze and say raspberry, it stops you?
Dear guy in the car next to me,
Thanks for blowing me a kiss even though it was a little creepy.
Dear students,
If it wasn't already obvious, we seat you next to the person you'd look best with.
Dear people who complain about their classmates,
Today my friend asked our high school class: What does Plankton sing in response to Spongebob's F.U.N. song? Every single person- girl and guy- broke out into song. We sang the whole thing (Spongebob's and Plankton's parts) and our teacher just sat there and smiled.
Dear creepy man at the gas station,
Just because I wear a Bob Marley wristband doesn't mean that I want to go to Jamaica with you.
Dear society,
Can I get a KitKat for every lie you tell me?
Dear Peppermint Patty,
It's chocolate and mint, not an orgasm.
Dear gummy worms,
If I cut you in half, will you grow a new body?
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