Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear Bruno Mars,
Today I don't feel like doing anything... but I'm going to get out of bed and actually work for a living.
Dear lady with $500 sunglasses,
How about I get you a pair of nice $20 sunglasses, glue a random name brand and some rhinestones on it, and then you give me the rest of the money to buy things that actually matter.
Dear Jesus,
If the Holy Spirit lives within us, does that make us your Horcuxes?
Dear guys at the beach,
Just because you're wearing shiny sunglasses doesn't mean I can't tell where your face is pointed.
Dear pocket,
So, you managed to unlock my 4 digit passcode, go on Doodle Jump and beat my highest score?
Dear school announcements,
"Oh and one last announcement, Freshmen, you do not need to be asked to go to homecoming. It is a school wide dance. You also do not need to pay an extra 15 dollars for the tickets."
Dear religious nut,
If you knew the baby would turn out to be gay, then would you approve abortion?
Dear microwave manufacturers,
Please add a "Stealth Mode."
Dear guy bragging,
Great, you slept with your teacher...
Dear dad,
Should I be offended or creeped out that you bought me a push-up bra for my birthday?
Dear Charmin Toilet Paper,
What kind of mom inspects their kid's butt for pieces?
Dear sluts,
Please realize that booty shorts, suspenders and 3D glasses with the lens poked out do NOT make you a nerd.
Dear lady who doesn't know I'm in the bathroom too,
Please wash your hands... I heard that.
Dear Keg,
I'd tap that.
Dear girls,
I don't want in your pants... I have my own.
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