Also By UsSlow RobotI Waste So Much TimeI Waste So Much MoneyAttack of the CuteGrouchy Rabbit
Dear guy I really liked,
I know where your dick is, thanks, I don't need you to guide my hand there. Sorry I'm too classy to jack you off in a parked car.
Dear man who catcalled me,
Please never do that again. I just had a panic attack for an hour straight thinking that you would come find me and attack me. It's not flattering to be called after.
Dear cute classmate,
Please do something. We've been exchanging glances and eye contact since July and the lack of a relationship between us is driving me crazy.
Dear America,
If Donald Trump is so horrible, how is he winning the most states?
Dear parents,
I won't have an abortion no matter how much you try to force me into it. My baby didn't ask to be conceived through rape, and it's not fair to punish it for its father's crime. I know you don't think I can raise a child, but you know that I've read every parenting book I can get my hands on, so you should accept that I know *something* of what's ahead.
Dear lesbians in the swimming pool changing room,
I didn't ask you to stop because I'm homophobic. I asked you to stop because you were naked and fondling each other in full view of everyone, including a class of five-year-olds whose parents would blame me, as their teacher, if they came home and asked awkward questions. There were empty cubicles less than three feet away from you; you could have gone into one of those. Instead you yelled abuse at me and when a staff member came to see what was happening, you accused me of homophobia and claimed I said you would burn in hell for being gay.
Dear grammar police,
Is it incorrect to say my breastfed baby is literally sucking the life out of me?
Dear parents,
I know you are well-meaning, but please stop insisting I put more and more into a retirement fund. I need to actually live in the now, and my current wage is not enough to do it. I'm only 21, there is plenty of time to worry about retirement once I actually get set in life.
Dear person who cut my convertible top to break into my car,
Please tell me how bad your breath must have been.
Dear roommate,
I'm fine with your boyfriend staying the night occasionally in the room that we SHARE. But please, don't sleep in until 3 PM and then start giggling together. I'd like to actually use my desk for homework, you know.
Dear lady,
I don't care how bad of a day you've had, you never deserve to have the cashier pay for your purchase out of their own pocket. Which is exactly what is happening when you "borrow" money from the tip jar.
Dear stranger in the pumpkin patch,
Please continue loudly informing me why my black and green hair and Insane Clown Posse shirt make me an unfit father. I can totally see how those two details tell you exactly who I am and how I raise my son.
Dear restaurant,
If your roast of the day is always roast beef, its not the roast of the day. Its just roast beef.
Dear crush,
You're interrupting my thoughts while I'm trying to watch my show. Stop it.
Dear Daughter and Son,
I know I yell and snap at you more than I should. I know that I don't always show you the attention that you deserve, but please, please know that I see all the amazing things that you do and that I love you with everything I've got. I just don't always know how to show it...