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Dear Marching Band members,
Let's get this straight, we're two different kinds of people. While I don't have the coordination to march in rhythm and play an instrument at the same time, if you had suited up against me and my kind, you would still be eating through a straw.
Dear family,
Please stop thinking I'm evil when I suggest that a socialist economy could do America some good. I don't want us to go into debt because of an infected papercut.
Dear Mom,
I don't like that you're secretly dating a priest. You're literally replacing my father with a Father.
Dear self,
Please continue to be darling gourgeous, wicked smart, and basically the best person ever. People fall in love with you/me just from our flirtatous winks.
Dear fedora haters,
Please just stop this irrational hatred, and stop stereotyping young men who wear them as virgins (and implying that virginity is somehow terrible). Why are you so mortally offended by their hat choice? They wear it because they like it, the same reason anybody wears anything. And no, I don't care that it's "actually a trilby" as if your self-righteous pretension somehow makes your bullying okay.
Dear pokemon fans,
Don't worry I didn't Pikachu while you Togepi
Dear people who make Hufflepuff jokes,
Please know that we don't FIND your jokes very funny.
Dear Cinderella,
Please understand that employing rats to make clothing is frowned upon in all kingdoms.
Dear People of the world,
If you are waiting for a sign, this is it.
Dear person who said that America has the highest obesity rate in the world,
Please stop saying stuff like that and not judge us by our country! You don't hear me making jokes about your country!
Dear world,
Why do we cry about animals getting abused, and not HUMAN BABIES BEING MURDERED!?!?!?!
Dear nicest boy I know,
You're right. You do deserve to get the girl. Unfortunately, appearances do matter and she can't get over your smell, size, and acne.
Dear brother in law,
Please take a more proactive approach to your life. You got married, your life is no longer your own.
Dear "God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve",
Please I think you should Adam and leave.
Oi! Teachers!,
LEAVE US KIDS ALONE!
THIS IS PAGE 4
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