Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear health-freak parents,
If you ever try to sneak protein powder into my pancakes again, I'm pouring acid on your vegetable garden.
Dear people who leave church by the side door immediately following the sermon,
Judas left early, too.
Dear "Virgin Diaries" on TLC,
Yes, I realize you've never kissed before, but you looked like two fish sucking each others faces.
Dear parents everywhere,
You'd better tell your kids about puberty and sex before I explain it to them in HD.
Dear guy who flipped me off on the freeway,
Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not scary coming from the driver of a Bug...
Dear male gynecologist ,
Please stop looking down there and just staring saying 'mhm'.
Dear cat,
Just because you bathe in the middle of the kitchen for all to see does not give you a front row seat to me getting in the shower.
Dear serial killers,
I know the best place to hide a dead body. Here's a hint: it's dark and it will cover the smell.
Dear tailgater behind me,
Let's test this: if I can't see your head lights, can you see my tail lights?
Dear pregnant friend,
What's the difference between you and a lightbulb?
Dear school earthquake drill,
Please do not ask me to get under the desk.
Dear dyslexic people,
Do you ever walk into MACY's thinking it's the YMCA?
Dear Charlie Brown,
You realize that Lucy keeps pulling the football away because she likes you, right?
Dear dog,
Keep that tongue away from my face.
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