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Dear Bronys that go see my Mom for their doctor,
Please stop going to her, she comes home everyday very confused about humanity.
Dear table of loudly bragging frat boys,
Oh please, give it a rest. Do you see the 40-something gentleman with the gray beard, sitting quietly at the table in the corner? I promise, he got more action this weekend than all of you.
Dear loving older sister,
I didn't understand why you wanted me to give the creepy quiet guy who hit on me a chance, but i thank you. Never in a million years would i ever expect for him to be my one and only, but you did. He loves me so much and got me out of a depressive rut in my life. He is the love of my life and you are the best sister ever.
Dear "Violence is always wrong",
My neck still hurts from the last time I tried to kill myself. And when I came back from the hospital, the first thing I heard was: "So you didn't manage to kill yourself this time either? No wonder your mommy's ashamed of you!"
Dear guy friend,
Remember when I said I wasn't looking for a relationship?
Dear Virgins,
Stop worrying about what others think. It's not a freakin' pin cushion, and it will happen when you're ready.
Dear chocolate ice cream,
Thank you for always being there for me.
Dear Mapquest Users,
Please Stop... Just stop...
Dear Old Woman at the Mall,
Please stop yelling at me for having a baby so young, It is a robot baby that I was assigned to for a school project. I didn't ruin my life, my teacher ruined my weekend.
Dear neighbor dog,
Please stop barking at 3 A.M. It has been 12 years and you have not shut up yet. Please die already.
Dear cheerleader,
I don't hate you solely because you're a cheerleader. I hate you because my best friend, who's on the squad with you and your clique, comes over in tears all the time after practice.
Dear angry "attractive" girl,
Please understand that we go to a small school, and there are right around half as many boys as there are girls. My girlfriend may not be as physically pretty as you, but she is much more attractive as a person. I'd rather dance with her at prom.
Dear family,
Please don't make fun of me because I have a hard time calling people on the phone, ordering at a resteraunt, or even ringing the doorbell at people's homes.
Dear people who think chivalry means holding doors,
The other night, my car broke down on an empty gas station. A man stopped and offered to help, but being a mechanic myself, I told him I'd got it. Then, he noticed a suspicious-looking gang moving in our direction, and so he told me he'd stay until I was done. That, my dear friends, is true chivalry.
Dear (some) black people,
It really isn't the white people's fault; try working hard.
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