Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear "pretty girls",
I love watching your face when I say, "Did it hurt when you fell from..." and then proceed to say, instead of Heaven, "...the whore tree and bang every guy on the way down?".
Dear Pocket,
You've managed to unlock my iPhone and beat my high score on temple run.
Dear Edward and Jacob,
I have to tell you two setting important... I recently found this out... I'm... A lesbian
Dear Judgmental Idiots,
Just because I'm slim, fashionably dressed, have a slicked-back hairdo, and a sexy accent, does not mean that I'm gay.
Dear dog food companies with all natural ingredients real meat and vegetables,
My dog just ate a bunch of cicadas and half a pop-tart I dropped on the ground.
Dear "soap-free" soap,
Huh?
Dear 6 year old girl I'm babysitting,
Your comments make TV worth watching again.
Dear Nerds,
You were right.
Dear Harry Potter fans,
Harry was a descendant of the 3rd brother from the group who made the Deathly Hallows. Voldemort was a descendant of the 2nd brother. This means that Harry and Voldemort were distant cousins.
Dear Math Teacher,
Please stop playing the Titanic theme song during our tests
Dear dog I left at home for an hour,
Why would you eat the heel out of my sock, my sister's cellphone, 3 pine cones, and somehow the cat door?
Dear School,
Please salt your sidewalks.
Dear Carrie Underwood,
We give you props, but next time maybe you shouldn't carve your name in the seats. It's a dead giveaway.
Dear two-ply toilet paper,
I guess it's true. You don't really know what you have until it's gone.
Dear NASA,
Your Mom thought I was big enough.
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