Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned it's wool to nylon.
Sincerely, amused bystander.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Even Dora's parents let her explore the world with talking animals and a singing backpack, and I can't hang out with my friends after 12?
Sincerely, Your grounded 23-year-old son
Dear transgendered female patient:,
Please stop swearing at me and threatening to report me to the Board of Medicine. You don't have a vagina or uterus, so I can't actually do a pelvic exam. And I'm an OB-Gyn: I don't do prostate exams. I also can't prescribe you birth control - because it wouldn't work
Sincerely, Just trying to provide good health care here
Please stop joking about my boyfriend's and my sex life it's funny for 5 seconds but that's it.
Sincerely, your friend who lied about her virginity status to avoid the jokes
WAit, wait, wait, back up. YOU are upset with ME because MY safe, where I keep all of MY personal documents and MY emergency fund, was locked and YOU couldn't get in? What POSSIBLE reason could there be for you to need to be in there, at all?!
Sincerely, Good to know you're a klepto
Please stop bullying people so that Disney and Nickelodeon can stop all those annoying commercials
Sincerely, Annoyed person who just wants to watch TV
Dear amazing boyfriend,
Thank you for bringing me a chocolate frog. It means so much to me but I can't decide if I want to eat it or save it to hopefully show our kids some day
Sincerely, your PMS girlfriend who's head-over-heels but just wants chocolate
Dear school staff,
MY SON IS ALLERGIC TO WHEAT! I don't care about your damn healthy eating program, if you try to feed him wheat, he could have a major reaction.
Sincerely, Try and force him again and I will see you in court.
Dear people asking about my track event,
"Oh, so you jump over hurdles?"
Sincerely, no... we hurdle over hurdles
Please come to my yard even though I can not make milk shakes
Sincerely, lactose intolerant. . .
When did a C become a bad grade???
Sincerely, You have an average knowledge of the subject, it's not a bad thing
Dear guys who tell me they "like less makeup",
Please wear less makeup then.
Sincerely, Why are you telling me this anyway?
Please , feel free to call the police to report me "attacking" your dog. I have a picture, on my phone, of your mutt biting my ankle and of the bite marks that got through my pants. I'd love to see that little rat get put down.
Sincerely, if you let your dog roam free and attack, expect it to get punted.
Dear friend who is descended from african royality,
Just because you're black doesn't justify being mean to us, or telling us our problems don't exist, and we have "easy little lives." I have a severe disability (which actually does impact my job chances too), he is physically abused, and she is so poor she's about to be evicted. Intersectionality works as the cross-section between many different ways.
Sincerely, not every white person has pretty little lives.