I know you want me. You want to suck me, and blow me, and feel my delicious liquid go into your mouth. I'm ready.
Sincerely, a straw.
Dear guy in the car next to me,
Thanks for blowing me a kiss even though it was a little creepy.
Sincerely, made my day anyway.
If it wasn't already obvious, we seat you next to the person you'd look best with.
Sincerely, yeah, I'm dating my lab partner, that's what we want to hear.
Don't worry about magazines telling you you're fat; porn sites tell us we need penis enlargements all the time.
Dear teacher who says "don't get arrested" every Friday when the bell rings,
Sincerely, my bad.
If I watch the movie backwards, it tells the story of a decorated war hero who goes back home to get a sex change.
Sincerely, next I'm trying trying Lion King!
Dear Washington D.C.,
Calm down, it was just an earthquake. These things happen.
Sincerely, Los Angeles.
Dear person in movie who is being chased by a rolling boulder.,
Don't run in front of it! Just run to the side! It won't kill you if you're not in from of it!
Sincerely, oh look, you're dead. Should've taken my advice.
Want to hear a joke about a vegetable?
Sincerely, it's pretty corny!
Dear Edward Cullen,
You stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original.
Sincerely, Peter Pan.
Dear little sister who rides horses,
I'm more of a "save a horse, ride a cowboy" kind of girl.
Sincerely, your male instructor is very hot!
Dear Bruno Mars,
Wouldn't YOUR eyes have to be open to know that hers were?
Dear room-mate watching Japanese anime,
Please explain why the characters' words don't match the movements of their mouths, and why there are abnormally shaped, floating, talking animals everywhere.
Sincerely, confused and slightly concerned.
Please respond when I answer the phone and say "Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?"