I apologize for missing the toilet seat so much. I'm a shotgun, not a sniper.
Sincerely, your trajectionally-challenged brother.
Dear Jehovah's Witness,
Yes, my car (which was in my driveway) door was unlocked. However, that is NOT an open invitation to open my car and leave one of your pamphlets on family life on my console.
Sincerely, creeped out.
Dear teacher who said "no offense" when you called me a Negro,
I'm only half black.
Sincerely, only half offended.
Dear hand sanitizer,
Sincerely, paper-cut on my hand that I forgot about.
That awkward moment when even Hufflepuff rejects you.
Thanks for being there for me when Pocket wasn't.
Sincerely, Cell Phone.
Dear health class,
Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die.
Sincerely, Coach Carr.
Dear fat tourist,
Please continue buying my "Famous Bermuda Sand" 200 feet away from a beach.
Sincerely, successful businessman.
Dear glasses wearer,
Please note that if you leave your glasses lying around, I will inevitably try them on.
Sincerely, friend with 20/20 vision who wants to appear more intelligent.
Remember how you said a black guy would be president when pigs flew? You're welcome.
Sincerely, swine flu.
Dear smart water,
Please is there a minimum intelligence level required to drink this?
Sincerely, I can't open the lid.
It's so dark in here, I can't even read the price tag!
Sincerely, I see what you did there...
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!
Sincerely, no, not a stalker. Just the mailman.
Dear person walking on the sidewalk,
Homeless or hipster?
Sincerely, can't tell.