Also By Us Slow Robot I Waste So Much Time I Waste So Much Money
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Dear sleeping girlfriend,
I was in the middle of breaking up with you when you dozed off.
Dear people who complain about their classmates,
Today my friend asked our high school class: What does Plankton sing in response to Spongebob's F.U.N. song? Every single person- girl and guy- broke out into song. We sang the whole thing (Spongebob's and Plankton's parts) and our teacher just sat there and smiled.
Dear drinker,
I know you want me. You want to suck me, and blow me, and feel my delicious liquid go into your mouth. I'm ready.
Dear world,
Did you know that if you're about to sneeze and say raspberry, it stops you?
Dear person who can't stop sneezing,
BLESS YOU ALREADY!
Dear cupcake,
You are us with too much makeup on, and you dare call us the ugly ones!
Dear Washington D.C.,
Calm down, it was just an earthquake. These things happen.
Dear "popular kid",
If you're "cooler" than me, doesn't that make me "hotter" than you?
Dear inventor of tampons ,
Please tell me you're not a guy.
Dear boys,
You give out more mixed signals than Helen Keller directing traffic!
Dear Santa,
Please bring me coal for Christmas.
Dear Mulan,
If I watch the movie backwards, it tells the story of a decorated war hero who goes back home to get a sex change.
Dear girls making kissy faces,
You're just jealous.
Dear Facebook,
Congratulations on becoming a verb!
Dear urbandictionary.com,
Ohhhhhhh.
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