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TODAY
THIS WEEK
THIS MONTH
ALL TIME
Dear men with ED,
I would love to have a hard time with you.
Dear roommate,
When you ask me to walk your dog because you are still with your coteachers doing your Friday ritual, do bring home a boy you are toying with later. It makes it seem like you care more about sex then your dog.
Dear body,
Please quit being such a jerk.
Dear pneumonia,
Please remember that I am 25. You are about 50 years early.
Dear Human,
You made a mistake in buying me. I will now take control of your life until the day I die. For if you do anything out of line of what I want from you, I can sink my ever-so-sharp teeth into your neck at full force in the dead of night when you're dreaming about how you wish you could have had a dog instead.
Dear family and friends,
I've got some major news to announce. I'm having a baby........for dinner.
Dear maybe we need a refresher on the word "equality",
Maybe we need a refresher on how hard it was for white males to gain their rights and power.
Dear everyone staring at me,
I got a fungal virus on my lip due to a barista using her hands to put ice in my water. I can't smile without crying so don't blame me for not smiling.
Dear habitual hashtaggers,
You don't need to hashtag every word you say, just write a normal complete sentence.
Dear Porn Ads,
I should not have clicked that. I definitely should not have clicked that.
Dear Kai kitty,
Please explain to me how you managed to shake my computer so hard you caused one of the latches on the second RAM stick to come undone? Here I was freaking out trying to figure out why my computer was acting like it didn't have enough memory to do as I wanted, and then I see that you managed to shake it loose just enough to cause a problem. You are totally banned from ever sitting on my tower again. I don't care how much you like it up there.
Dear pothead chick,
Please stop wearing "laid back" clothes from republican monopolies. we know you spent $200 on your outfit and $50 on your hair products, and we know you try to look like you're not trying. We know those shoes are not from a thrift store. We know that was not your great-uncle's sweater from the 40's. You don't fool anyone.
Dear math class,
6+9=69. My favorite position!
Dear Greenpeace,
Just because we ignore you, doesn't give you the right to ruin a sacred landmark
Dear occasions,
Isn't it funny how people claim to be broke all year until their birthdays and November?
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