My whole world revolves around you.
Sincerely, a person on earth.
Dear self-conscious teen,
Whenever you're feeling down, just remember: YOU were the fastest sperm.
Dear people who want flying cars,
That'd be cool, but you could probably only fly them in special areas, and you'd probably need special training, and specific fuel, and they'd probably be super expensive . . .
Sincerely, oh wait, PLANES.
Dear parents who told me "college is the fountain of knowledge",
Yeah, well, students go there to drink.
Sincerely, just sayin'.
Dear movie theater usher,
What do you mean my bag smells like fast food?
Sincerely, I have no idea what you're talking about...
Dear smart water,
Please is there a minimum intelligence level required to drink this?
Sincerely, I can't open the lid.
Dear girls playing never have I ever,
WHAT HAVEN'T YOU DONE?!
Sincerely, totally scarred for life.
It's so dark in here, I can't even read the price tag!
Sincerely, I see what you did there...
Remember how you said a black guy would be president when pigs flew? You're welcome.
Sincerely, swine flu.
Dear student who gets my Chemistry text book next year,
Sincerely, "This book is the property of The Half Blood Prince".
Dear neighbor looking out the window at the wrong moment,
Well. This just got awkward.
Sincerely, dancing alone in the kitchen.
Dear Stephen King,
You're a jerk.
Sincerely, scared to go to sleep.
Dear person who thought it was a high five,
That's just how I wave.
Sincerely, things just got awkward...
Dear person trying to push a pull door,
Sincerely, just tried to pull a push door.
Dear teacher who says "I don't know CAN you?" after a I ask if I can go to the bathroom,
When I was using can, I was using it's secondary modal form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought that since you were a teacher, you would know that.