Dear germaphobes,
Please just touch the door handle. It's not going to kill you.
Sincerely, person with antibodies.
Dear racist white people,
When I was born I was black, when I grew up I was black, when I'm sick I'm black, when I go out in the sun I'm black, when I'm cold I'll be black, and when I die I'll be black. But you, when you where born you were pink, when you grew up you were white, when you're sick you're green, when you go out in the sun you turn red, when you're cold you turn blue, and when you die you'll turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored?
Sincerely, black people.
Dear person who said "nothing is impossible",
Have you ever tried nailing Jell-O to a wall?
Sincerely, thought so.
Dear stores with samples,
THANK YOU!
Sincerely, hungry customer.
Dear 2011,
You better be awesome. 2010 sucked and we're all dying in 2012.
Sincerely, cheers.
Dear teenage girls,
Who are you kidding? Stop acting like we're the only perverted ones here.
Sincerely, teenage boys.
Dear Pillsbury Doughboy,
Now you know how I feel.
Sincerely, Tickle Me Elmo.
Dear mother who forgot to tell me her child screams bloody murder in her sleep,
Anything else I should know?
Sincerely, freaked-out babysitter downstairs.
Dear underwear in the lost and found,
How did that happen, exactly?
Sincerely, kinda creeped out.
Dear mom,
No, I am not watching porn, doing drugs, drinking, smoking, or having sex when I close my door.
Sincerely, just need a little privacy.
Dear boyfriend,
30 minutes or less...? You should work for Dominos.
Sincerely, unsatisfied girlfriend.
Dear CDs,
Why are you so hard to open? No one is going to steal you, that's what the internet is for.
Sincerely, annoyed.
Dear doorbell on TV,
Thank you for sounding exactly like my doorbell.
Sincerely, needed the exercise.
Dear YouTube,
Please stop making me watch a 30 second advertisement just to watch a two minute video.
Sincerely, it isn't worth it.
Dear bragging parents,
I was high when I came home last night from a place I was not supposed to be.
Sincerely, your perfect daughter.
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