Dear mom,
Thanks for the lung cancer I now have from your second hand smoke. The doctors say I have a year, enjoy your three packs a day.
Dear Girlfriend,
Please don't use my 12 month deployment into Afghanistan as an excuse to dump me.
Dear father,
Please stop making my little brother want to commit suicide. A 10 year old should not be putting a knife to his throat.
Dear mother,
Please realize it wasn't a phase, and it still hurts that you think it is.
Dear whoever just busted my passenger window to break into my car,
Please enjoy my complete collection of U2 CDs, especially the anniversary editions of the Joshua Tree and the Unforgettable Fire. I hope you appreciate all the autographed, scratched up Jars of Clay albums that were my favorite when I was 14. I hope you appreciate the CDs that were given to me at important times in my life. I hope you appreciate how much it cost me to track down those Damien Rice albums, and please enjoy some of Damien Rice's choice lyrics that I would like to dedicate to you. I hope you appreciate what you just did to my views of that part of Nashville. I hope you love Over the Rhine, Tchaikovsky, and the Decemberists, because that's what you got. I hope you appreciate how much I'm going to have to pay to get a new window. Truth is, you're not going to get much for them, because they won't be worth anything to anyone except me. Thanks a lot.
Dear Ex-Boyfriend,
Changing your relationship status to "single" on Facebook is not a good way to break up with someone.
Dear future in-laws,
Please grow up and realize that you only get one life. It's unacceptable to not come to your own son's wedding. Barring a death in the family, there is no other excuse not to show up. Thanks for breaking my future husband's heart.
Dear lady who is suing me for $150,000,
You're joking right? You're that angry that I broke three of your 8 year olds ribs while giving him CPR?
Dear boyfriend,
Thank you for moving me 1,000 miles away from my family and friends to this dumpy town after you got transferred. Also, thanks for cheating on me and getting herpes. Super awesome.
Dear 'Nice Loving Family',
I don't want to be Christian anymore. I know that means you all won't love me anymore, as you explicitly said at the dinner table, so I'll leave now.
Dear best friend,
Please stop telling me I have small boobs. I am a B cup. You are only a C cup because you are a lot heavier than I am. Maybe you are insecure, but you have nothing to be insecure about and you're hurting me.
Dear first love,
Please stop flirting with me. I've loved you since 1993. Now you're married with 3 kids. Every time you say something sweet and endearing, my heart breaks a little more. Enough now. Enough.
Dear fellow classmates from my high school graduating class of over 20 years ago,
Please stop trying to be my friend on Facebook. You hated me 20 years ago. You terrorized me. You made fun of me, threw things at me and vandalized my house. What makes you think all is forgiven and I'm ready to be your buddy now?
Dear My Cheat of a Mother,
Yeah I found all your letters to your lover. I read your texts too. This isn't gonna work out any more.
Dear government,
Please stop cutting my job at the library. I read to children, help old people use computers, and make suicidal teens feel accepted just so I can get through college and maybe make my own life better.